


Captain Hydra: Asset

by Drakamos, Faythofdespair11



Series: Captain Hydra [1]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blood and Torture, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes After Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes Returns, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Comfort, Comfort No Hurt, Comfort Sex, Comfort/Angst, Dark Past, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Consent, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Freeform, Gay, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gay Character, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Hydra Steve Rogers, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Injury Recovery, M/M, Medical Torture, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, NSFW, Non-Explicit, Non-Explicit Sex, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Past Brainwashing, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Recovery Bucky Barnes, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve, Protective Steve Rogers, Psychological Torture, Recovered Memories, Recovery, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rough Sex, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Sexual Slavery, Sexual Tension, Sexual Violence, Shower Sex, Starbucks, Steve Feels, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, Stucky fic, Top Bucky Barnes, Top Steve Rogers, Torture, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wall Sex, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier fic, catfa, catfs - fic, catws, caws - fic, recovering, stucky ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-03-11 14:14:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13526004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drakamos/pseuds/Drakamos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faythofdespair11/pseuds/Faythofdespair11
Summary: Bucky thought he could outrun Hydra, but once they capture him and Steve he is met with their new asset. Can Bucky save Steve?





	1. Train Ride

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back when Captain America: The First Avenger came out. I had heard of Marvel comics about Captain Hydra and that gave me the idea to write my own version of him. I do not entirely know who Captain Hydra is, but my idea was to have a Hydra version of Steve Rogers. I'll post the first chapter and see how well it goes. Comments are highly encouraged. Kudos are also welcome. The more love I see the more chapters I will want to post. I edited this myself and is looking for an editor. If you are willing then please message me. It has been a long time since I have written and I love a little extra help.Also, I will add tags as I go on.

Chapter 1 – Train Ride

The sun was peeking out behind the vast gray clouds after a chilly thunderstorm had passed. Savannah, Georgia was notorious for having unpredictable weather. Bucky stood at the ticket booth in the train station scanning his surroundings. He usually avoided crowded areas, but after being on the run for the past year, he learned that crowds were harder for his trackers to find him. Especially for Captain America and his friends. They weren't the best at tracking his whereabouts, but they have come close. He knew that it was time to change tactics.

Bucky waited on the platform. He lifted his hood and carefully scanned the area as people walked past him. No one looked too suspicious and it made Bucky slightly relax. He was tired of running, but until Hydra's organization was destroyed, he would stay cautious. The intercom announced his train's arrival and he swung his backpack on. He grabbed his duffel bag then hastily walked to the waiting line. When everyone gathered inside, Bucky found vacant seats near a window overlooking the thick woods across the tracks. He stared out searching for any suspicious activity and found none thus far. After a long wait, the train was finally moving. He leaned back with a heavy sigh, hoping that the trip will stay pleasant. 

Steve had been searching for Bucky for a while and, even though Bucky wanted to remember who he was, he couldn't let himself be found. He wasn't ready to face Steve. He knew Steve would be ashamed of what he had done while under Hydra’s rule. It’s not as if he had a choice. With Hydra’s programming, Bucky had little choice into what he could do in any situation. There were never any loop holes and fighting the programming only resulted in pain. Now that he was free, Bucky had been slowly regaining his memories. The more he remembered, the more he despised himself at letting his mind be controlled so easily. At night, Bucky begged to be forgiven for the pain he caused from all those years. How could Steve forgive him after he slaughtered so many innocent lives?

"Is this seat taken, dear?" Bucky's thoughts were interrupted when an elderly woman stood patiently by the vacant seat next to him. He stared at her surprised that someone had spoken to him. Most people avoided him. It made it easier for him to travel.

"There is no need to stare, handsome. I know I'm a good-lookin’ gal." She winked, and Bucky couldn't help, but crack a smile. She didn't seem to be harmful and it wasn't like Hydra had elderly agents trying to capture him.

"No ma'am." He was quiet and tried giving her a warm smile. 

She sat down in the vacant seat and leaned close to him. He tensed as she placed her delicate hand on his arm. She gave him an assuring squeeze and asked. "Not much of a traveler?” When he didn’t respond she added “You look like a nervous wreck.”

Bucky was at a loss for words and just kept staring. He wasn't sure how to react to this woman, but she reminded him of someone. He couldn't help, but stare into green eyes. "Yeah."

"Don't fret. Trains are one of the safest ways to travel. I've been using trains for years. What is your name, handsome?" she smiled.

"James, ma'am." Bucky surprised himself at using his real name, but he knew it wouldn't matter. He would disappear before she would utter his name to anyone. His name still felt odd under his tongue. With Hydra, he was never really given a name. James Buchanan Barnes seemed to only be a distant memory.

"Such a gentleman, but please call me Lucy. I'm much younger than I look. I'm going on 73 next week and getting younger." She winked.

Bucky couldn't help, but smile. She was quite the character. He turned to look out the window to scan for any threats. He subconsciously put his gloved metal hand in his pocket so that Lucy wouldn't question him of it.

Two men walked past them in the aisle and Bucky hid his face. The two men sat behind them and Bucky listened to their conversation closely. "Where are all these people coming from? Trains use to be less crowded. I'm guessing driving is going out of style?"

"Why do all the work when you can relax and enjoy the view?" the other man questioned.

"James?" Bucky noticed Lucy was watching him and he turned to look at her. She had concern in her eyes and leaned closer to him. "You look hungry. Would you like to join me in the lounge car to get a bite to eat?"

He did feel hungry, but wasn't ready to go near anymore crowds. "No thank you. I'm fine." He gave her a small smile. 

She frowned and grabbed his hand gently. "James." Her voice became very stern and Bucky looked at her more closely. Her eyes showed an urgency, so he slowly moved his hand away. Something wasn't quite right, and he became more alert.

She quirked her eyebrow and pointed her eyes to the lounge car. "I'd hate to go alone. I would need a strong boy, such as yourself, to help an old lady out. Would you please? I would be so grateful." She pressed her lips tight and seemed uneasy. It didn't make sense to Bucky. He couldn’t trust her, so he stayed silent. He only had a knife on him, but if he was to follow her he could end up in a situation he may not be able to handle. He gripped the arm of his chair and she placed her hand over his. She slowly nodded her head and mouthed the word "please." His brows scrunched in confusion and pressed his lips tight. She stood up with a warm smile and gently pulled his hand, so he followed cautiously. 

They entered the lounge car and she walked up to a man facing away from them. She whispered, and the man turned with a smile. Bucky recognized him from the bridge. Sam Wilson, one of Steve’s friends. He was close to finding Bucky a few months ago. Bucky started to step back in panic. Lucy raised her palm up and whispered. "It's ok James. Two Hydra agents were sitting behind us. I had to get you over here safely, so we could deal with them. They are coming as we speak. I need you to stay behind us while we handle it. There are a lot of innocent people on this train and we wouldn't want anyone to get hurt."

Bucky pondered his options: Jump out the window or play it out? Either way he would end up being chased by both parties. "Why should I trust you?" he asked.

Lucy gave him a small smile. "We are the only ones left who can help you get away from Hydra."

Before Bucky could respond, the door opened behind him and he heard the same two men. Bucky stayed casual knowing that if he would move too quickly he would signal their suspicions. He slowly walked past Lucy and Sam. Sam smiled as he walked to the two men. "Good afternoon! Will there be two seating?"

One of the men stood staring at Bucky's back while the other spoke to Sam. Lucy gave the man a smile and put her hand to her ear whispering, "Get ready boys." She turned to Bucky wrapping her arm around his and whispered "Stay behind the counter."

"Give me a gun and I can help take them out." He offered. Lucy smiled, but said nothing as she turned around and walked back toward Sam and the two men. He knew it wouldn't be that easy, but he had to try. They weren't going to just hand him a weapon and think he wouldn't use it against them. Bucky breathed hard out of his nose and slowly moved to the bar. He scanned his surroundings and made note of his exits. There could be more Hydra agents, but it was hard to tell. 

Lucy stood by Sam and politely asked "Would you be a dear and give me a hand?"

Sam smiled and nodded as he excused himself from the two men. He whispered down to Lucy "What's the plan?"

"Stay with James. I'm going to lure these two men away from civilians." Lucy glanced at the two men and noticed one was staring at Bucky. "Dammit. They know." 

Sam turned to look back at the men with a smile then back to Lucy "There goes that plan."

"Get him out of here." She commanded and pulled out a gun. She fired at the two men and blood splattered the wall. As one of the men went limp with a bullet hole in his head, the other man ducked out of the way. Sam grabbed Bucky by the arm and yelled "Come on!" But Bucky pulled away. He wasn't going anywhere except for off this train. He bolted toward the window and crashed through the glass. He flew down the hill and hit hard. During the impact, he cried out as a pain shot through his metal shoulder. He continued to roll until his back slammed into a tree. He hissed in pain, and once he got his bearings, he darted into the woods. 

He knew time was against him now that Hydra found him, but he had no idea where he was headed. After he felt they lost track of him, he stopped to look at his surroundings. He cursed as trees surrounded him. He continued to run until he reached a creek full of raging waters. As he scanned the area for possible routes, he heard a small hum in the distance. He waited to see if he could pinpoint its location, but before he could acknowledge, something hit him painfully in his side. His entire body tensed from the excruciating pain and his legs buckled beneath him. He splashed into the creek and the water dragged Bucky harshly down into rock and debris. As he struggled to keep himself above the water, the jolt of pain grew continuous. He tried to grab at whatever was at his side when, suddenly, he hit a large tree. His metal hand grabbed one of the limbs and held tight, but as the pain hit again he grew weaker and started to slip away. Something grabbed his hoodie, but Bucky couldn't focus enough to see what. The hoodie started to rip as the water dragged him under deeper in the tree limbs. A pair of hands grabbed his arms and pulled him away. His hoodie was trapped in the limbs and was ripping. Finally, it ripped away from the brute strength of whomever was pulling him out, and he gasped for air once he reached the surface. When he looked up he saw blue eyes staring back at him. Another jolt hit, and he grunted. He fought to keep his eyes on his savior. Whomever it was, they pulled him out of the water and dragged him to the ground. Bucky had trouble breathing and his vision was blurry. When another jolt of electricity spiked through his body, his entire body spasmed. The pain was more than he could handle. It felt like his body was on fire. He felt hands on his side and he tried pushing them away. "I'm sorry Buck. Just... hold on! I need to pull it out!” He paused. He knew that voice. He tried focusing his eyes on the shadow above him, but the pain throughout his body was getting more intense. He clenched his fists tightly together as more pain washed over him. Something was finally being ripped away and he felt the warmth of his blood oozing out. Whatever was in him was deep. He tried staying aware and heard a yell then a metal being crushed. Bucky let out a shaky breath of relief. He tried sitting up, but before he could, he felt a prick at his neck and started to panic. He swung his arms, and there was a yelp. He began to feel sluggish as he tried pulling away, but strong arms pulled him back until he was against a warm body. 

"No..." he barely breathed out. Bucky wasn’t sure if it was Hydra. All he wanted was to just get away. He saw flashes of a metal table and he fought more against the warm body behind him. Their warm lips were close to his ear as they shushed him. "It's ok, Buck. You're safe." The voice cracked. Bucky listened to his own heart as it raced in his chest. The voice… it was so familiar. It was getting harder to focus. Bucky lolled his head back and felt a warm breath on the side of his neck. He started to shiver uncontrollably so he turned toward it hoping to savor the warmth. Warm arms tightly wrapped around him as he continued to fight for consciousness, but his eyes betrayed him. All that he remembered before blacking out was reassuring words.


	2. Second Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter. I know they are not as long as you would like them, but I assure you they will get longer. I just needed your feedback to give myself an opportunity to post longer chapters. The story is already written in my notebooks. I just have to type them up.
> 
> As for the Comic Con experience, I had quite AN experience. My son and I were posted on Sebastian Stan's instagram! I was surprised by this. I didn't realize he meant he was going to post it there. When I was asking him a question for my son, I had mentioned my son was a winner of the Drive495 contest on IG, which was why he chose to wear the shirts the day of the meet and greet. Sebastian took a pic and I thought he said he was going to send it to Don Saladino, but it turns out he was going to post it on his IG. My son was super excited and kept telling everyone that he was internet famous. Then another VIP member posted a video of the ending of his birthday message on their IG and that started to go viral. My camera acted up so the birthday message didn't record and he grew very upset. 
> 
> To conclude this, we had a blast!!!! He was amazing and so kind. I would pay to see him again if he comes back next year. This was our first experience meeting a celebrity and Sebastian made it amazing. He kept waving at my son and asked him if he was having fun. He even kept holding his hand. My son wouldn't go to bed last night because he was so excited that he finally met his idol. I have lots of videos and photos that I have yet to post. I know I said I would do it with this post, but I am super exhausted. My son is a high energy kid and taking him to events like comic con drains me. Feel free to ask me questions about Sebastian. I have his Q&A full video and most of the Meet and Greet video (my son made the videos a little shaky because of his excitement) I also have tono of photos to upload. My poor camera has been through alot.

Chapter 2 – Second Chance

"What's his status?" Fury walked up beside Bucky. He was lying motionless on the metal table in the medical room. When they brought him in, Fury made the immediate decision to put him on lock down to ensure the safety of his staff. The Winter Soldier had a bad history of torture and brainwashing. Steve argued that Bucky wasn’t part of Hydra anymore, but Fury wasn’t taking any chances. He didn’t believe Bucky could just break the programming in one day and be himself again. It didn’t work that way. He may have fought the programming enough to make his own choices, but he would still be struggling with it. 

As he examined his still body, a doctor joined by his side. Bucky had metal clamps around both his arms and legs. They had undressed him when he arrived and left him with his pants. During their earlier search, they found he did not carry any guns, only knives. Fury pitied Bucky. He knew it wasn't his choice to live a life as an assassin. Seeing as Zola found a solution to the super soldier serum, it only made sense that Hydra searched for Bucky and made him into a weapon. 

Steve slowly stood up from the chair next to Bucky's bedside. He had been by Bucky's side ever since they arrived at the facility. Fury noticed the weariness in Steve's eyes. "You look like shit. Why don't you let Romanoff keep an eye on him?"

"I'm not leaving him." Steve ran his hand tiredly through his hair. He knew how exhausted he was, but he had to keep Bucky safe. He still didn’t fully trust Fury after the incident with S.H.I.E.L.D., but he was thankful that Fury offered to help Steve find Bucky in such short notice.

The doctor checked Bucky's vitals "He is stable. Wound is almost fully healed. Vitals are good." She checked his restraints. Watching, Steve breathed loudly through his nose in frustration. He didn't feel Bucky should be restrained, but Fury was insistent. 

Natasha walked in and stood beside Fury. She crossed her arms and looked down at Bucky. He was relaxed in a dreamless sleep. "Why don't you get some rest, Steve? I'll keep an eye on him." She looked to Steve when he didn’t acknowledge.

Steve shook his head and sighed. "I said I'm not leaving him. I'm not sure how many more syringes you're going to pump into him. By the time he does wake up he won’t be able to respond."

"We have to be cautious, Rogers." Fury eyed Steve as he stood up straight. "You asked for my help. Must I remind you that your friend here was brainwashed by Hydra and tried killing all of us?"

He knew Fury was right, but after seeing how defenseless Bucky was back by the creek, he knew Bucky needed him more than ever. It infuriated him when they decided to sedate Bucky without his consent. Fury obviously didn’t trust Steve either. Steve made sure to blatantly tell how he felt about that situation. Steve wasn't in charge of this operation, and it made him cringe. As per agreement with Fury, if Bucky was found, Fury made the decisions as to how Bucky was going to be brought in the facility. Before Steve made the decision, him and Sam kept losing his trail. Once he found Bucky again, he was afraid he would lose Bucky's trail again or worse, captured by Hydra. Bucky proved to be good at losing his trail. After a year of searching, Steve was ready to pull his hair when he couldn't catch him. Some days he would come so close, but Bucky was always one step ahead of him. Seeing as how Hydra was on the train, the whole operation would have been compromised. Thanks to Natasha, Hydra didn’t even come close to catching Bucky.

He rubbed his exhausted eyes. He would have to trust Natasha to watch Bucky. The super soldier serum was amazing, but his body still needed time to recuperate. He was running on fumes. She seemed to be more helpful then Steve thought she would be, even though Bucky had shot at her twice. Yet here she is helping Bucky get away from Hydra. Perhaps she wasn't holding any grudges with him like Steve had thought, but he still had to be cautious with her. After the S.H.I.E.L.D. incident, he lost his ability to trust those he thought were honest to him. He could only trust his own instincts now.

Natasha walked up to Steve. She looked in his eyes with concern. "I know you are worried about him, but I won't let anything happen." She paused. "Do you trust me?" Natasha had to be sure. She wasn't trusted by many and when it came to Steve's trust she held onto it. 

Steve searched her eyes. "Okay." He looked at Fury. "Please stop sedating him. I need to talk to him." He looked back at Natasha and held his stare. She stared back. "I want to be the first to know when he wakes up."

Natasha nodded and watched as Steve walked out of the room. She turned to Fury, who pursed his lips at her. She knew he wasn't too happy about the situation on the train. Natasha had disobeyed his orders when she was told to stay by Bucky's side, but she decided to take care of the situation when unsuspected Hydra agents appeared. Thankfully, Fury let it go. They stopped the Hydra agents and successfully retrieved Bucky safely. 

He slowly walked by her side and spoke without making eye contact. "Keep an eye on Barnes. If he seems suspicious in any way you notify me immediately. You of all people will understand his situation."

Natasha turned her head toward him and nodded. Fury left, and she slowly walked to Bucky's side. She placed her hand on top of his forehead and watched him for a long moment as a memory resurfaced. 

Natasha raised herself off the snowy ground and pointed her gun at the Winter Soldier before her. She failed her mission and the scientist was dead behind her. Face to face with the Winter Soldier, she knew he was going to kill her. He raised his gun back and shot at her before she could pull her trigger. She yelled as the pain pierced through her abdomen.

Natasha closed her eyes at the memory. She knew what it was like to be brainwashed. The Red Room had fooled her into thinking she was bred to be their perfect weapon just like Bucky had been for Hydra. She wasn't sure how much he remembered, but she knew he would have a tough road ahead during his recovery. She pledged to be there for him at every step of the way. This was all too familiar to her and she couldn't help but pity him. After their meeting on the train, she didn't see him as an assassin, but a troubled man who was running away from his past. It reminded her of herself, so Fury was right when saying she understood. She went through hell when she broke through her programming. Thankfully Clint was on her side or she would have gone insane. Bucky had Steve, but Steve was too stubborn to realize that his best friend could kill him still. To be brainwashed for 70 years, you couldn’t expect a miracle. Steve needed to realize that he was both Bucky and the Winter Soldier now.

\---------------------------------------

There were blue eyes were staring at him as Bucky tried focusing. He traced his vision around the blue eyes until they were met by a broad crooked nose. Bucky scrunched his brows. He couldn’t understand why his vision was so foggy and thought that those eyes seemed familiar, but why?

"What cha lookin' at Buck?" 

That familiar voice, Bucky thought.

With more focus, he revealed the blue eyes and nose to have plump lips. Bucky frowned when he couldn't focus on more of the blue-eyed man's features. Everything around his vision was cloudy. He closed his eyes tightly and when he opened them again a frail boy sat by a window with the most biggest, warmest, and most confident smile. It was as if nothing could stand in his way. The sun gleamed off the boy's bright golden hair. It reminded Bucky of the cathedral from when he was young and how the statues near the ceiling would glow from the warm sunlight. Bucky couldn't help but stare back at his eyes though. They shown such a vibrant blue. The more his smile grew, the more vibrant the blue showed. When the boy turned around he squeezed through the window onto the fire escape and disappeared. Bucky grew upset. He wanted the boy to stay. As if the boy heard Bucky’s thoughts, he poked his head back in through the window with an exasperated look. "Come on, Buck! They're going to start!"

Bucky climbed through the window and found the boy sitting on the edge with his legs and arms hanging through the bars. He was looking at the colorful fireworks above the buildings. The boy turned to Bucky with a huge smile. “Isn’t it great!? My birthday will always be celebrated no matter if I don’t have a candle lit.”

Bucky looked up at the fireworks and he felt himself slowly smile. He rushed to sit by the boy and turned to look back at the boy. After staring at the boy for a long moment, he said, “Happy birthday Steve.”

Natasha watched him carefully as his fingers began to twitch. She knew he was dreaming and would soon awaken. She only hoped that the dream was kind. His files gave an idea of the torture he endured while under Hydra. It seemed far worse then what she had endured, but she wasn’t quite sure. Her memories were faulty at most and, after Fury had helped her start a new life, no one could assure her that her memories would fully resurface. Perhaps it was better that way. His hand started to feel the surface of the metal table. She waited patiently until he was aware of his surroundings. After a long moment, his eyes began to flutter. Bucky could feel the cold table beneath him. His chest clenched, his heart began to race, and his hands squeezed at the edges. Was it Hydra? He started to panic and tried keeping his breathing steady. He couldn’t get himself calm so he finally opened his eyes. He hissed as is eyes hurt from the blinding light. He struggled against his bonds. He couldn’t break the bonds so he squeezed his metal fist. Before he could fight against the bonds, he felt a small hand touch his flesh hand. The touch was gentle. He slowly opened his eyes and turned to look see who it was. 

"Hey there handsome."

Bucky was met with alluring green eyes. His mouth was very dry, but he tried swallowing anyway. He recognized her, but couldn't place where. He wondered if she was Hydra? He tried to remember, but his head started to hurt. He relaxed and started to search the room for any possible escape routes. When he looked back at her he noticed her texting. He tried sitting up, but his body felt heavy. His muscles wouldn't cooperate. They must have drugged him. He tried swallowing again, but to no avail, so he closed his eyes and dropped his head back. She squeezed his hand gently again as if reassuring him then walked to the sink to his left. He took this opportunity to search his surroundings again. The room was tightly secured. He dropped his head back with a thud giving up his escape tactics. He felt defeated. A growing panic surfaced as a thought crossed his mind. What if they are going to wipe his mind and torture him. 

Natasha interrupted his thought when she brought a cup of water and placed a hand on his metal shoulder. He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. She saw the fear in his eyes. 

"Hey." 

He wouldn't look at her and she watched him closely. She knew how hard it was to be restrained and not knowing if your mind would be safe. His eyes showed such defeat and she wanted to wipe it away. Perhaps she could gain his trust. Perhaps she could help him remember.

"I brought you some water." She tried raising his head, but he shifted away. She paused before whispering. "You're safe. We stopped the Hydra agents before they could find you."

Bucky turned to her in confusion. He tried to recall what had happened. Then he remembered the train ride. He had spoken to an older woman who lead him through the train then it dawned on him. The woman with Sam Wilson. He tried to recollect who she was and found nothing. She seemed so familiar that it was on the tip of his tongue, but his head hurt as he tried harder to remember. 

Seeing his realization, Natasha reminded him of her character. "There is no need to stare, handsome. I know I'm a good-lookin’ gal." She winked at him then gave him her side smirk.

Bucky was about to speak, but was interrupted when Steve rushed in. Bucky stared in fear. Steve frowned and stopped cold in his tracks. He didn’t like seeing that look on Bucky’s face. He waited a moment to let Bucky take him in. When Bucky realized where he was he gave a defeated look. Steve slowly walked to him. "Buck." 

Bucky wasn't ready to talk to Steve. He stared back up at the ceiling ignoring him. He knew Steve wanted his childhood friend back and wanted answers from him about Hydra. It was already hard enough with the painful memories he already had when serving them.

"Buck...please. Talk to me. Do you remember me?" Steve inched closer hoping Bucky would at least look at him, but Bucky was persistent. Feeling hurt, Steve dropped his head and tried to keep his tears from escaping. "I know you were trying to stay away from me, but I couldn't let Hydra get their hands on you again. I've already lost you once Buck and I don't want to lose you again."

Bucky heard the pain in Steve's voice and his heart clenched. He hated the sound and had an urge to hold Steve. He wanted to reassure Steve that it was going to be ok, but stopped that thought instantly. He closed his eyes as he spoke. "You should have left me alone."

Steve stared in disbelief. How could he say such a thing "No, Buck. Why would I do that? I wanted to help you. To keep you safe from Hydra." Steve waited.

Bucky just laid there quietly. Steve held his breath and dropped his head in defeat. He knew Bucky was in conflict. It was best he kept his mouth shut before he made anything worse. He looked toward Natasha who, in return, gave him a look of concern. He then let out a long exhale. "Whatever you're thinking Buck, you can stop. I'm not going to think of you as a murderer. I know it's eating you up inside, but it wasn't you. It was Hydra... Hydra controlling you. You never had a choice. You wouldn't have done it willingly."

Bucky grew angry. Steve knew nothing of what Bucky had done. The innocent lives he had killed. He had no reason to give Bucky a chance of redemption. The blood was on his hands. He could have stopped, but he was too afraid. "No." he breathed.

Steve listened attentively. He was glad to hear Bucky finally speak. They were finally getting somewhere after all this time. Bucky explained. "You're wrong. I am a murderer. I was too afraid to deny Hydra in killing those people. I was too afraid to go against them." He turned back toward Steve. "They created a weapon and that's what they got. A cold stoned killer."

Steve grew concerned. There was no emotion behind Bucky's eyes. This wasn't the Bucky he remembered. Bucky would have fought tooth and nail to get his life back. He would never back down and let Hydra win. He recalled the look Bucky gave him on the hellicarrier before he fell into the river. It was burned into his mind. His eyes did not lie. Bucky had remembered something, and Steve vowed to help him remember. He is Bucky Barnes. Not Hydra's asset. Not a weapon.

Steve stood his ground as he spoke. "That's what Hydra wants you to believe. They used your fear. That's why we're going to stop them... together."

Steve's words hit him hard. A memory resurfaced of them fighting together with The Howling Commandos. Maybe Steve was right, but it couldn’t change what Bucky had already done. He had too much innocent blood on his hands. If he was to repent it would take a lifetime to be forgiven for his sins. He let Steve down and he wanted Steve to forgive him, but Bucky felt he wasn’t worth forgiveness.

Natasha offered Bucky a drink again. After much thought, he decided to go for it and tried sitting up. Steve helped his head up as he slowly sipped at the water. The cool wetness felt good against his parched throat.

"Can't we just take these damn restraints off him?" Steve said, irritated. He felt like Bucky was not being helped, but being held a prisoner. He was supposed to feel safe. 

"I'm sorry, Steve, but unless we feel he isn't a threat he has to stay in them." Natasha acknowledged. She understood Steve's frustration, but he was still blind at the fact that Bucky was a trained assassin. He could break away from the facility with ease. If he did try to escape, she didn’t know if Steve had what it takes to stop him. Steve didn’t want to hurt Bucky, but once his programming resurfaces, Bucky won’t hesitate. Steve could get himself killed and it’s no wonder Hydra chose Bucky to go after Captain America. Although, she still wondered how Steve helped Bucky break his programming. He was almost beaten to death, yet Steve had found a way to break Bucky’s programming. Natasha’s only idea was that, because Steve and Bucky had such a strong bond, he was able to help Bucky remember. She didn’t speak much about it. All he had said was that Bucky had stopped beating him and remembered.

Steve sighed as he looked back down at Bucky with apologetic eyes. Bucky laid back and didn't show any complaint. He accepted his punishment.

Fury had stepped in. "How's our patient?"

Steve gave Fury a cold stare. Fury just glared at him and stepped to Natasha. "I think he's ready to be discharged." Natasha gave Fury a side smirk and he nodded back. He walked out of the room without another word.

Steve turned to look at Natasha. "Well?"

"Fury isn't so bad once you get to know him." Natasha assured. She released the clamps to Bucky's arms. Surprised, Bucky slowly raised himself up. A wave of dizziness hit, and he started to lose his balance. Steve caught him, but Bucky pulled away. Steve was to stubborn to let go. The drugs in his system was still in effect. He tried sitting up straight and Steve held him from behind to give him stability. Bucky could feel a slight pain on his side and looked down to see a bandage just above his left hip. He recalled being hit by something and feeling pain throughout his body. Some device to electrocute him in slowing down his escape. That was Hydra tech.

"Let me show you to your room." Natasha gestured for them both to follow and headed out the door. Bucky looked up and Steve nodded in assurance. He helped Bucky get off the medical table. Once Bucky hit the floor, he stumbled. Steve grabbed his metal arm then wrapped it around his shoulders. He shivered at how hard and cold it felt. It was crafted to look so much like a real arm that it was hard to tell a difference.

"What did they put in me?" Bucky asked.

Steve frowned. "They sedated you for a while, so you could heal. We just need to get some food in you and you'll feel better."

They slowly walked out the door and Natasha waited patiently against the wall. She led them down the hall and through many corridors until they reached the living quarters. Natasha opened a door to a small room and Steve walked Bucky inside. To the left of the room, there was a small bed on the far corner and a closet closest to the door. To the right far corner, was a desk which sat by a small door that lead to a bathroom. It wasn't much, but enough to give a soldier privacy between missions. The bed was already made up neatly and fresh clothes sat at the end. 

Steve helped Bucky sit on the bed. "You need any help with anything?"

Bucky nodded and examined his room. He would need to check for any bugs once they leave, but for now he was too exhausted. He just wanted to lay down. He hasn’t felt safe in a long time. He wanted to trust Steve and his friends, but even Hydra could outsmart them. 

Natasha picked up a wrapped sandwich on the desk and handed to Steve. She gave them a small nod then headed out. Steve sat next to Bucky and laid the sandwich on his own lap. He watched Bucky take in his surroundings. "Why don't you eat? The food isn't too bad here." He tried to give his best assuring smile. He didn't expect Bucky to trust his whereabouts and he didn't blame him. He was on the run for so long. Steve wondered if he would ever feel safe again.

Bucky looked at the wrapped sandwich and slowly picked it up. He didn't remember the last time he ate, but the idea of food made his stomach growl. Steve quietly laughed as he opened the water bottle and handed it to Bucky. In return, Bucky chugged it. 

"Whoa there." Steve chuckled. Bucky pushed the bottle away from his lips with a look of shame. He didn't realize how thirsty he was. "There's a mini fridge by the closet. You have plenty of drinks and snacks in case you don't want to go to the food court." Steve watched Bucky for a moment. He seemed uneasy and shied away. "Why don't you get cleaned up and get some rest. My room is on the right if you need me." Steve offered. He sat for a moment waiting for Bucky to respond. When it seemed Bucky wasn’t, he finally gave up. He slowly stood and sauntered out of the room. He wanted to talk to Bucky, but knew that now was not the best time. Bucky had a lot on his mind and Steve knew it would take time before he would trust him again. 

Bucky watched as Steve slowly closed the door. He took another bite of the sandwich then leaned back against the wall. He wasn't sure if he liked the idea of being here. He has never been safe, but he was tired of running. If he stays, Hydra may come for all of them. As much as they feel he is safe, they had no idea how Hydra works. No one is safe from Hydra. 

After he finished his sandwich, he laid on his side and stared at the wall in deep thought. He began to wonder if he could fight alongside Steve again. He tried remembering years ago, but everything seemed muffled and out of place. The idea of fighting by Steve's side felt right. As much as he wanted to go back, he knew they shouldn't be close. The programming could resurface, and the Winter Soldier could take over. Also, he could turn on him if Hydra used his triggers. He closed his eyes tightly and suddenly he remembered fragments of the train incident. He focused on it. He remembered Steve reaching out for him and then he was falling. He shuddered and opened his eyes. He tried remembering again, but before the fall. Some memories before were very hard to interpret, but he focused hard. They seemed happier. He wanted to remember so he wouldn’t go insane with what Hydra had done to him. Faces were a blur and some events seemed unrealistic. He wasn't sure what was truth and he knew part of that was due to Hydra's brainwashing. He hoped that he be who he was. He didn't want to be Hydra's asset, but he also wasn't the same person he was before Hydra took him. It felt right to help people. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, but he had doubts. His methods were ruthless. He didn’t hesitate in a situation. In a hostile situation, his mind would shut down in Winter Soldier mode. It frightened him. Maybe it was best to be locked away, so he doesn't hurt another living soul again. 

He gave into sleep as his eyes grew heavy. His thoughts wandered to the video he saw of himself and Steve at The Smithsonian. He tried to remember smiling like that. The Bucky in the video was comfortable with who he was. Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. That Bucky was happy, but Hydra took that happiness away. They needed a cold ruthless killer and that’s what they got. Could he ever be happy again?


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the process of uploading the Wizard World St. Louis Q&A with Sebastian Stan. I will post the link ASAP! For now you may look at my IG to see what I have uploaded about our time at Comic Con.
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/faythrose/?hl=en
> 
> Please comment what you think of the story so far and I still need an Editor! I am terrible at it.

Chapter 3 – Memories

The room was utterly quiet. Fury sat at his desk with Natasha standing behind as they watched Bucky through a computer monitor. Bucky was asleep in his quarters. Fury exhaled a deep sigh to break the silence and folded his hands over his desk. He wasn't sure about Bucky. Memories of being attacked in the city haven't left him to easily trust Bucky either. The Winter Soldier was the first person to ever come at Fury unsuspected. He was unlike any villain he’s ever come across. Once he found out it was James Barnes, he understood the consequences. Poor Steve didn’t understand the complications of being brainwashed so when he came to Fury for help he felt that he needed to step in. He knew Steve would get himself killed if he kept at it alone. He saw his friend not the killer Hydra bred him into. 

"What do you think, Romanoff? Is he Hydra?" he peeked with his one good eye at her.

Natasha focused closely on the monitor and made her calculations. She could see so much more emotion in Bucky then back on the bridge. After the incident on the passenger train, she was able to get a better feel for who he was. She knew he was frightened and confused. She saw too much of herself. He desperately wanted to be free of his imprisonment with Hydra. It wasn't that long ago that she was in the same situation as Bucky is in now. The only difference is that he has someone from the past. Steve is his connection to finding who he truly is. 

After a long silence she finally spoke, "He's good." At that, Fury left the room leaving Natasha to stare at Bucky's sleeping form. Bucky was so vulnerable now and it saddened Natasha. 70 years of constant mind wipes, experiments, and programming... she knew it was going to be a difficult journey. Natasha vowed to do what she can to help Steve get Bucky back. When Steve had asked for her and Fury's help, she explained to him that Bucky may not be the same man he knew 70 years ago. Steve acknowledged that he understood, but she could tell that he didn’t. He hoped that his childhood friend would be himself as if Hydra never happened. Depending on the severity of Bucky's time with Hydra, he could turn on them at any time. Who knew what lies Hydra poured into his mind. She was aware how brainwashing worked. Bucky may not even realize that he could have triggers. He could turn on them unwillingly and that scared Natasha. Would she be able to stop it before it happens? She closed her eyes and tried to remember her time when Barton found her for the first time.

A young Natasha lay on the roof with her hand to her right side trying to stop her wound from bleeding out. She knew her ribs were broken, but she had to find a way out. A blonde-haired man, with a dark clad uniform, walked up slowly to her. He raised his bow to her. "Now listen up. I was ordered to kill you, but I don’t want to have to do that. I’ve been watching you for a while and I learned that this isn’t your choice."

She watched him closely. Did he really believe that he could help her? HE was the one who shot her. Did he really think she was that stupid?

"You can call me Hawkeye, but my friends call me Clint." He slowly crouched down a few inches away from her while lowering his bow. "You are one slick girl, you know that? What’s your name?"

She just stared at him as his eyes studied her. He was different than the others. Most men tried to kill her on the spot, but this one seemed curious. He showed concern. She couldn't tell if he was truly a threat and it confused her greatly. Why was he lowering his defenses and making sweet talk with her?

"Look. I can take you away from here. My orders were to kill the Black Widow, but you're just a girl...a scared girl that is being brainwashed and ordered to do their dirty work. Is this what you want? To be an assassin?"

His question hit her hard. No one ever asked her what she wanted. She was always told to do the impossible and she was good at it. She thought of her dream to do ballet. She loved dancing. She only wished that one day she could leave all this behind and make that dream come true. Could he really save her?

He sticks out his hand and gives her a sincere smile. For a long moment she debated. She had failed her mission and knew that her handler would kill her anyway. This man could be lying and send her to his superiors for torture, but she could deal with that. She had many skills on escaping. As she kept staring at him, she saw his sincerity. Her heart fluttered at the idea of being free for the first time. It may be a lie, but she was exhausted. She didn’t kill for pleasure. It was always a mission implanted in her mind and she had to obey. Her mind told her to kill, but her heart begged her to stop. For the first time in her life, she wanted something more. Now, this man standing before her, is offering options she was never given before. She took the chance and slowly took his hand.

"Good choice." He whispered and lifted her to her feet.

Natasha smiled at the memory. In her past, she struggled greatly before she was brought to Fury. Barton took a big risk in letting her live. They suffered the consequences and now here she is. She is free of the KGB and working on wiping the red from her ledger. It wasn’t what she had planned, but she felt safer now that she was free of the KGB. 

Bucky stirred, and she brushed her fingertips lightly on the monitor. She was becoming aware of her need to help Bucky in his journey of recovery. Bucky would be held in a prison if it wasn't for them. Anyone else would deem him as a threat. They wouldn’t care to understand that he was only trying to save himself. He is scared and alone. If Hydra plans to retrieve the Winter Soldier, they would have to fight before getting him back. 

Bucky began to moan, and Natasha watched more closely. He was having a nightmare. The memories of his tortures will always haunt him. Sadly, she still suffers nightmares. Her dreams consist of broken memories of her dark past. Fury found that she was given false memories to keep her loyal with the KGB. During her time with the KGB, she knew something wasn’t quite right. Some of the memories were flawed. She began to ask questions and they punished her for it. Who knows how many times they wiped her mind. 

\-----------------------------------------

Time moved slowly on the clock. The room was clouded with dancing smoke. Bucky was dressed in his black tactic gear and was stealthily walking to a bright room. He watched as a man sat quietly in a green lounge chair while reading a newspaper. The man was unaware of his presence as he sucked in his lit cigarette and exhaled a mouthful of smoke. The room became even more cloudy. Bucky lifted his handgun as he continued to walk. He slowly screwed on the silencer as quietly as he could. Once he reached the man he put his gun against the back of his head. The man gasped as he tensed up. They stayed this way for a long moment when, finally the man spoke. “So, you’ve come for me.” The man spoke in Russian, but his voice sounded familiar to Bucky. The voice echoed in his mind of commands he couldn’t place, just the familiarity. He knew this man. He commanded him once. Bucky’s mind screamed at him to stop. He knew this wasn’t right. He didn’t want this! But his hand kept holding the gun. His orders were to kill this man, so his finger held tightly against the trigger. His body just wouldn’t respond to his plea. 

“I knew my time would come. My age has been an issue for quite some time.” He paused. “What better way than to be killed by the Winter Soldier himself.” Bucky’s mind kept begging him to stop. He wanted to scream, but he remained silent. His body was not his own. Time began to speed up on the clock and the ticking became more intense. Everything around him was more vibrant. His heart raced. 

“It’s ok Winter. I signed my life to Hydra just as you did. As your handler, I demand you to pull the trigger.” Bucky’s mind screamed and that's when his finger squeezed the trigger...

Bucky bolted up screaming. His breathing was erratic as he scanned the room. He was unfamiliar with his surroundings and he started to panic. His back slammed against the wall and he grabbed his head. His mind raced with thoughts of Hydra. As he closed his eyes, he tried remembering his earlier events. He remembered the train ride and then waking up in the medical room. There was the red-headed woman and Steve. Images of Steve popped in his mind and he squeezed his eyes as he focused on his breathing. This isn’t Hydra. I’m safe, he chanted in his mind. Once he was able to calm himself down, he scanned the room again. Most of the room was dark except for the low light coming from the bathroom. He raised himself off the bed and walked toward the light. When he entered, he felt the wall and flipped a switch. The light became brighter and he immediately covered his face. After his eyes had adjusted, he turned back to the room. He remembered Steve brought him in here. This was to be his space. He grabbed the folded clothes at the end of the bed and examined them closely. He was given fresh garments all colored in black. He gave a small laugh as a thought crossed his mind of how Steve would be upset to not have some color. He waved the thought away then glanced toward the bathroom, contemplating on whether he should clean up or try and rest again. He wasn't sure how safe he was here, so he decided that he needed to be cautious. Sleep would have to wait. He didn't understand what this all meant, but he knew that they wouldn't trust him so easily. Whoever they were, Steve seemed to trust them enough to use them to find Bucky. S.H.I.E.L.D. was compromised which left him to believe that this was some other type of organization. All he can do now is wait and figure a way out before Hydra tracks him here or else Steve and everyone here would be in danger. Bucky didn’t want that. His life wasn’t worth being killed over. 

He closed the door behind him as he scanned the bathroom. He had a habit of checking for surveillance thanks to Hydra. It was a good habit now that he was on the run. He never knew if he was being monitored. The bathroom was very small. It was complete with a sink, toilet, and standing shower. There wasn’t much room for another person, but it was more than enough for Bucky. He reached over and turned on the water. Out of habit, he tested it with his flesh hand. The water was warm and comforting. Bucky couldn't remember the last time he took a warm shower. Most of the time he would lock himself in a public restroom and give himself a wipe down with whatever he could find. It mostly consisted of wet paper towels or an old shirt he carried. This will be much more relaxing. 

Bucky stripped his dirty clothes off and stepped cautiously into the shower. Once the water touched his bare chest, a small moan escaped his lips. His own voice startled him at first. He wondered if it was okay to enjoy this. He wasn’t allowed to enjoy anything from what he could remember. It was mostly defrosting him, send him on a mission, and then back in the ice. It gave him chills at the memory. His tensed muscles started to relax, and he stood for a long moment relishing in the feeling. He stepped forward letting the water beat against his face. Water enveloped his mouth and he spit as he reached his hands up to his face to rub the dirt and grime away. Then, he focused on his neck and shoulders. Once he was satisfied, he looked for soap and found that everything he needed was set up for him. He grabbed the bar of soap and began to cleanse every part of his dirty body. Weeks of grime turned the water a dirty brown color as he scrubbed. Once the water finally cleared, he sat the soap down and leaned his head forward into the spray. His hair resulted in being just as dirty. He stared at the floor, watching the water fall to his feet, in a trance. He wanted to stay like this. For the first time, he was able to let his guard down and relish in the moment. Was this just a dream or would this turn into a nightmare just like the others? He yearned for peace. He was tired of living in the shadows. Sometimes, he had memories of himself in a crowd in a dance hall. He would be dancing with a girl and they were enjoying themselves. He recalled it being swing dancing. It was a pleasant memory he had cherished for a long time. Dancing felt like a sort of nostalgia. He squeezed his eyes and shook it away. He grabbed the shampoo and start cleansing his long locks until the water was clear again.

Steve knocked outside Bucky's door while holding a tray of food. As he waited, he listened closely to hear a small hum. He felt it was safe to enter so he slowly opened the door and cautiously stepped in. He didn't want to frighten Bucky, so he stayed as quiet as his body would allow. He could smell the soap from the shower and smiled. He was glad to know that Bucky was safe. It must have been hard for him to not have shelter. Being on the run wasn’t easy. Now that Bucky was here, he could have the things he needs. As he laid the tray of food on the desk, he heard the shower turn off. He debated on staying, but wasn’t sure if he would upset Bucky with coming inside uninvited. He was just so anxious to talk to Bucky. In his mind, Natasha’s voice reminded him to give Bucky space, but it was hard for him to stay away. It had been months since he last saw Bucky and each day seem to be worse with worry then the other. He didn’t know if Hydra had apprehended him and he dreaded that he was dead. To others, Bucky has been alive for many years, but for Steve, it felt like yesterday since his fall from the train. No one understood how fresh it felt.

Bucky opened the door with a towel covering his hair and Steve froze in place. He couldn’t help but stare at a half-naked Bucky whose waist was wrapped in only a soft white towel. As Bucky slowly walked out, his leg peaked through the small opening where he tied the towel. Steve’s eyes betrayed him as he watched the muscles of his legs move. As he approached, Bucky stopped as he focused on scrubbing his face unaware of Steve’s presence. He let his mind and body relax for the first time. His body was coated with fresh water droplets and Steve roamed his eyes up to the curves of Bucky’s chest. As Bucky wiped at his hidden face, the water slowly trailed down. It made Steve’s fingers itch to draw. Bucky looked up under the towel and froze as well. They stood staring at each other for a long moment. Steve’s face was flushed, and Bucky cleared his throat to break the silence.   
"Hey Buck. I…uh…I brought you something to eat. I thought you'd be hungry when you woke up." Steve gave him an embarrassed smile.

Bucky watched Steve closely and noticed how uncomfortable he looked. He used his flesh hand to finger-comb his wet hair back as he walked over to the table and examined the contents. He felt like he needed to say something, but nothing came to mind. 

Steve fell in a trance as he watched Bucky’s hand slide into his hair. It felt like everything was in slow motion to Steve. Something stirred in him that he couldn’t quite pinpoint. It felt like a yearning but Steve didn’t know what. Perhaps it was a yearning to have his Bucky back. He knows that Bucky will not be the same as he remembers, and he MUST accept that. He deeply inhaled and shook it away. He didn’t want to make this more uncomfortable than it already was. He knew he shouldn’t stare, but everything about Bucky seemed perfect. His hands were so smooth as if they never seen a day of hard work. He had no idea what Hydra did outside of what he read in the files, what his missions were like, or how his handlers treated him. For all he knew, Bucky was tortured for 70 years and it infuriated him to the core. Steve had never felt such hate until he learned of what Hydra had done to Bucky. If it hadn’t been for Natasha giving him the Winter Soldier file, he would have never felt such anger. He vowed that day to find Bucky and kill every Hydra follower there was. No one touches his family and friends and gets away with it. 

The aroma of the meal made Bucky's stomach rumble and he glanced at Steve to see if he noticed. Steve smiled, and Bucky couldn’t help but look away in embarrassment. Steve let out a breath of a laugh. "I'll let you eat." Steve headed to the door then stopped as a thought came to mind. "Hey Buck?"

Bucky turned, and Steve stood with his back to him. He couldn’t let Bucky see him. He fought to hold back the tears as he tried finding the words, but his fear overpowered him. The fear of losing Bucky. All he could get out was "I'm glad you're here."

Bucky could hear the sadness in Steve's voice and felt a sharp pain in his chest. He wanted to walk up to Steve and hold him, but told himself that that was not allowed anymore. That was the old Bucky. He was trained to show no emotion, and to not care for others. He is the asset used to be a weapon. Weapons don’t feel.

As Steve walked out of the room, Bucky stared at the door. He didn’t want to risk making anymore mistakes with Steve. If he gave Steve any motive to think he had to waste his life trying to save Bucky, then it would get them both killed. He must make the toughest choice by staying away from Steve. Bucky closed his eyes and felt a trail go down his cheek. He scrunched his brows as he felt his cheek. When he looked at his fingers, he saw a wetness and let out a broken laugh. He was crying. He thought he couldn’t feel anything anymore. Hydra stripped him of so much and now, here he is crying. He doesn’t want to lose Steve and it hurt. He closed his eyes and tried to remember when he and Steve were young. He remembered the Smithsonian stating that they were inseparable, and it felt true. Having Steve near felt right. This must be why it hurt so bad. He had no one else. To lose Steve would mean Bucky had nothing.

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut as he heard a voice in his head. He knew it was his programming. Somedays it was hard to fight against it while other days it was easy to shake it off. He started to feel a migraine and knew this one was going to be a bad one. He started to breathe heavily and quietly chanted to himself, “My name is Bucky. I’m not Hydra.” Then shook as he felt himself start to sob. He hated this. He wanted to find a way to get rid of this programming. He backed into the wall as his head started to hurt and slid down. The pain increased, and he slammed his head hard into the wall, hoping to beat out the programming. When the voice kept going Bucky sobbed more. “Please…” he begged.

\---------------------------------

Steve tried to heed to Natasha's warning, but the pain was just too much for him to bear. Seeing Bucky again reminded him of all the pain he felt after he fell from the train. He blamed himself for what had happened. Steve wondered if Bucky hated him for not coming back. He was different, but to Steve, he felt like his old pal was here again. This Bucky was not much different then when Steve found him after Zola. It made Steve feel hopeful. The way he looked at Steve, the way he walked, how he moved his hand in his hair... Those were the things Bucky always did. The only difference was Hydra took away his memories. 

Steve's knees felt weak and he slid his back against Bucky's door. He turned to listen through the door, but only heard silence. Bucky may not be the same person, but it was still Bucky. All that was left of his past IS Bucky. He needed Bucky. It hurt to know that Bucky was stripped of his life. Now that he is here, Steve wondered if he could help Bucky create a new life in this new world and help him get his memories back. Even if he didn’t get his memories back, at least he was alive and safe. It was a struggle for Steve when he woke up. He was alone. Many others pitied him, but never gave a damn to actually help Steve through the shock. Not even Fury. When joining the Avengers, Steve hoped to feel himself again, but instead, it made it worse. They weren’t the Howling Commandoes and there were too many secrets with his team. Thanks to Tony, Steve began to open his eyes and be more alert with his surroundings.

Steve rubbed at his face trying to get himself back together. He went still when he heard a noise behind the door. He listened more closely and heard Bucky moaning in pain. He immediately stood up and knocked on the door. When Bucky didn’t answer he spoke "Hey Buck? You okay in there?" When Steve didn't hear a response, he shoved the door open to find Bucky sitting on the floor with his eyes squeezed shut. His hands pulled desperately at his hair. Steve rushed to him and dropped to his knees. Bucky was mumbling, but Steve couldn’t quite catch what he was saying. 

"Bucky?” Steve reached out to him, but hesitated. He wasn’t sure Bucky was ready for comfort. “Are you hurt?" Steve was growing more worrisome as Bucky still didn’t respond. Instead, Bucky kept mumbling so Steve strained his ears to listen. "You're my mission... You're my mission..." Steve knew this wasn’t good. Bucky was trapped in his mission from D.C. 

Bucky kept hearing the distant voice in his mind and it drove him insane. He didn’t want to hurt Steve. He would rather die than let his hands be the one to take his life. He started to rock as he chanted his last words Steve said before he fell in the river. “’Til the end of the line…’til the end of the line…” He moaned loudly as a memory resurfaced.

"The Asset is to leave no survivors"

Bucky was sitting in the chair as he watched the soldier before him give him his orders for the mission. Around him, doctors were frantically running around or typing at their computers. This was different. Something had Hydra on their toes, but he couldn’t recall what it was. He knew he had just been wiped of his last mission. 

"Asset stand!" 

Bucky did as he was told. A group of men grabbed equipment and began to dress Bucky. Once Bucky was dressed in his black tactical gear, he was shown a photo of his target by his handler. It was of a blonde-haired man with alluring blue eyes. He seemed familiar to Bucky, but he didn't know why. In his mind, his programming repeated his mission to ensure he wasn't to be distracted by these thoughts. 

"His codename is Captain America. Civilian name is Steven Grant Rogers. You are to search his whereabouts and destroy him. He's accompanied by an ex KGB assassin named Natasha Romanoff. If there are any others accompanying Captain America, they are to be destroyed. You will be on public surveillance so be sure to wear your mask and goggles always. If the Strike team is to arrive you are to leave the premises and relocate to the closest Hydra base for debriefing. Do you understand?"

Bucky looks at the soldier and nods. 

The soldier walked up closer to Bucky and in a low voice he spoke. "Make me proud Winter."

Bucky looked him in the eye and gave a small smirk. He never failed a mission. Why would this one be any different.

Steve tried desperately to get Bucky's attention, but he kept repeating himself as if in a trance. He didn't know what to do. Steve gave in and went to touch his hands. Before Steve could react, Bucky threw himself toward him. Steve landed on his back and Bucky's metal hand was wrapped around his throat as he screamed "You're my mission!" 

Steve stared at Bucky in disbelief. Memories of their fight on the hellicarrier flashed before his eyes. Bucky was going to kill him. Steve called his name to break him of the programming, but the restriction on his throat made it difficult. He wasn’t going to hurt Bucky. Instead, he reached for Bucky's face and gently stroked his cheek hoping it would bring him back. With the gentle touch, Bucky saw an image of a small Steve stroking his cheek with a big cheesy smile.

“You need to shave pal. You look like you live on the street with that scruff.”

Fear overpowered Bucky and he let go. He threw himself back against the wall as his mind raced. He almost tried killing Steve again. His heart pounded in his ears and he was having a hard time breathing. Steve had quickly sat up and held Bucky by his shoulders. He tried to get Bucky to look at him. “Bucky.” Bucky couldn't make out what he was saying, but focused on his eyes. He focused on his mouth to try read his lips. The pounding in his ears was slowly fading and he finally could hear what Steve was saying. "It's okay Buck. I’m right here. Just concentrate on my voice. That’s it. Breathe." Steve eyes was filled with such pain and it made Bucky tear up. At that, Steve’s chest hurt. "Hey Buck. Are you with me?"

Bucky tried to calm his breathing and focused on Steve’s voice. Once he felt a little calmer, Bucky couldn't hold back the tears and his voice cracked. "Steve."

"You're okay, pal. I'm here. I'm fine." Steve squeezed Bucky’s shoulders then Bucky started to sob uncontrollably. He couldn't do this anymore. He knew he would end up killing Steve if he didn't stay away. He is so tired and just wanted all this stop.

Steve began to break down as Bucky began to sob. He's never seen Bucky in so much pain. "It's ok Buck. Everything is going to be okay." He wanted to be strong for Bucky, but he couldn't hide the emotion in his voice. He pulled Bucky to him and held him tight, not wanting to let go. He wanted to assure Bucky that he was here for him.

Bucky wrapped his arms around him tightly and began to shake as he continued to sob. "I can't...I can't do this anymore, Steve." 

Steve held back tightly. He hasn't seen him like this since he saved him from Zola. Once they were able to settle down after coming back to camp, Bucky broke down in the tent. He spoke little of what had happened with Zola, but Steve knew that it was torturous. Bucky was always strong, and that day was the first time he saw Bucky break. It was hard for Steve then and it seemed much harder now. 70 years of torture and Steve wasn't there for him. Bucky must feel that Steve had betrayed him. At that thought, Steve grew angry. Hydra will pay for what they did to Bucky. Even if it kills him.

Steve and Bucky held each other for a long while. Bucky had calmed down enough that he was breathing steadily. Steve wanted to check on him, but couldn’t help but savor this moment. Bucky and Steve use to always be close that touching was nothing new to them. Back then, Bucky held Steve to keep him warm at nights. Steve would wake up with his arms wrapped around Bucky and it always helped him feel safe. It felt good to hold him close. He broke the embrace and lowered his head, so their eyes could meet. Bucky avoided his gaze and stayed silent. Steve wiped at his tear-stained cheeks. “I got you.” At those words, Bucky looked up at Steve. He searched his eyes for a reason to make Steve realize he needed to stay away, but he didn’t have the courage to do it. Steve was sincere about his words. Somehow Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t stop. Perhaps they could figure something out. He just had to find a way to get rid of the programming and he was free of Hydra’s hold. 

Steve pulled Bucky back into his arms and held him tight. He couldn’t bare to see the pain behind Bucky’s eyes any longer. He was going to figure out how to save Bucky. “I got you, Buck…I got you.” He repeated to ensure Bucky would know that he was there for him. Hydra will not touch him ever again.


	4. The War Changes Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've uploaded the Q&A Wizard World St. Louis Part 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KjMMDfHwb0
> 
> If you'd like to check it out. It's not perfect, but that's the best I can do with no tripod. At the end, we walked out and he talked to me and my son and asked if we had fun and surprised me of the "Hey I posted that photo on my IG!" and I was like "WHAT!" That's too much for me. He was super nice though. My son still talks about him and cherishes his wise words. 
> 
> I'm sorry I'm running behind on uploads, but it's been super hectic this month. I at least have this wonderful story for you to read. I appreciate the kudos! Feel free to send me comments. I want to get to know your thoughts on the story. I am still looking for a beta reader.

Chapter 4 – The War Changes Us

 

The room was eerily quiet. Steve stared across the table in full blown anger at Fury and Natasha. After staying up most of the night, he had finally gotten Bucky settled. That early morning, Natasha was waiting for him outside the door. She insisted he should speak with Fury, but not giving any hint as to why. Turns out Fury and Natasha had Bucky under close surveillance without Steve's consent. This infuriated him. After the collapse of S.H.I.E.L.D., Steve was losing his trust with his peers. 

“I asked for your help. Not make this harder on him.” Steve argued.

"We need to keep an eye on Barnes to ensure he doesn't turn on you." Fury explained. 

Steve held his stare. He was not going to back down. "I trusted you to keep me up on your plans when he arrived here. I was never given this information!" Steve grew more tense. "How am I to trust anyone if they can't be honest to me?" 

Natasha could see his posture changing. "Steve..." 

Steve stood, interrupting her. He was done listening to their excuses. He sought them out for help and this is how they react.

"I can't trust someone who withholds information, Natasha! Ever since I woke up in this century I've only been given lies. First S.H.I.E.L.D. Now this!?" Natasha lowered her head. She knew exactly how he felt, but she couldn’t change how the world worked. S.H.I.E.L.D. was her home too. It was all she had known, and all of this was difficult for her.

"Has everyone in this time become dishonest? What happened to being true with one another? What happened to fighting for what is right?” He slammed his hands on the table. “What happened to trust?" Steve's face fell into a deep despair at his own realization. The world had become worse now than he had ever dreamed. All his efforts died when he crashed the Valkyrie. Once Hydra had their chance to take on the world without him, they found ways to disrupt the peace and mold societies into fear and chaos. He couldn’t help but blame himself for it.

"I know this is hard for you, Rogers, but we have to do what’s best. Yes, time has changed, but I can assure you that you can trust us." Fury paused. " I should have told you about the monitoring." Fury sat back as he watched Steve closely. 

"Yeah. You should have. " Steve waited. 

“You read the files. The Winter Soldier is a tough nemesis. Even you can’t stop him once he goes on full mode. We need to take precautions. Would you rather he be safe with his own free will or locked up in a cell like a rabid dog?”

Steve felt as if he should take Bucky away from here, but he knew there was no other place safe enough. He couldn't take Bucky back to the Avengers. Tony would turn him in in a heartbeat. Instead, he was stuck here. "Give me one good reason why I should trust you both?"

Steve's words struck Natasha hard. She had hoped Steve would keep his trust with her. She hadn't realized how bad this would affect him. She made tough choices and it wasn’t easy, but it got her this far. "Steve, my past was full of lies and deceit. So, I think it's time we are honest with each other. But..." She waited for Steve to speak, but when he stayed quiet she continued. "We do have to be cautious. James' mind is scrambled with Hydra's programming. He may seem fine one minute, but anything could trigger that program. Right now, his priority is his last mission. As much as he fights the programming the worse he gets."

"You know this from experience?" Steve asked. He read her files and knew what the KGB had done, but he needed Natasha to tell him what was between the lines. 

Natasha thought for a moment. She had to be honest. "Yes." It surprised Steve. She collected her thoughts as she searched for the right words. "As you know, while I was in training for the KGB, I was given false memories. I believed I was born to be Russia's weapon. I was given programs to stay on tasks with my missions. After I was recruited with S.H.I.E.L.D., I struggled with those programs. I couldn't stop the impulses, so I became erratic. I fought to be a person because I wanted a life."

Steve was grateful for her honesty. He never really knew about Natasha's past, but he could see the sincere look in her eyes. "How did you break away from the programming?"

Natasha slowly turned her head at Fury. It was his turn to speak. Fury leaned forward on the table, entwined his hands and waited a moment. He saw the hope in Steve's eyes and continued. "It took a lot of doctors to erase all that programming. Nothing seemed to work so I found a solution. The brain is very complicating. Doctors alone may not cure Barnes, but there may be hope for him. We just need to keep Barnes on lockdown until then.” Steve stood up straight and Fury raised his hand asking to continue. Steve breathed heavily out his nose and waited for Fury to continue. “This will keep him safe. Until then, there is someone trustworthy that has the knowledge to erase Barnes' programming. It won't be easy finding him, but for now, we need to keep Barnes here. Not only from Hydra, but from himself. You asked for my help. This is all I can do for now. But I will warn you, once he gets worse I will make the decision to lock him tight." Fury watched as Steve stood in silence. Fury was right. "You need to be careful. His last mission is you. I know he's your friend, but even he sees that he can't control it."

Steve nodded then left the room without a word. Fury turned to look at Natasha and she knew what he was thinking. This was going to be a tough recovery.

\---------------------

Bucky lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He was avoiding the dreams knowing he would see his victims faces haunt him. He didn't know all their names or why Hydra wanted them killed, but their faces never left his memories. He wished that just one night he could peacefully rest without seeing so much death. He tried to distract his thoughts with memories of Steve, but most were very foggy and hard for him to remember. When Steve is near he notices that it is easier. Everything seems to fall in place. He felt that he needed Steve, but knowing his programming, he would end up killing him. That was not an option. He didn’t know what to do. Steve wasn’t going to stop. To Steve, Bucky was all he had and he would fight to the death to keep him alive. That’s just what Steve had always done when it came to family and friends. Bucky snorted at this realization. He knew Steve even when he thought he had forgotten.

Bucky was exhausted, and he finally let his eyes drift close. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door, and he jolted up to listen. “Hey Bucky? Are you awake?” It was Steve. Bucky licked his lips while contemplating on allowing Steve to enter, or stay silent and be left alone. 

“Come in!” Bucky surprised himself. His voice seemed to know what it wanted before he did.

Steve slowly opened the door not wanting to frighten Bucky. "I hope I didn't wake you." Steve's voice was soft as he slowly entered the room.

Bucky laid back down and sighed. He thought Steve would keep his distance after what happened earlier, but knowing Steve, he is too stubborn to stay away. Bucky had to try to stop Steve from coming too close, even if it meant distancing their friendship. He would rest easier knowing Steve was safe from him. "I need you to leave me alone."

The room grew quiet as Steve stopped in his tracks to look at Bucky. He knew Bucky was hurting, but hearing those words hit Steve hard. "I can't do that Buck." 

Before Steve could react, Bucky was in his face with a mixture of pain and hatred in his eyes. It took everything Steve had to hold back his anguish. "I could have killed you... My mission was to kill you." His eyes bore into Steve's "Why can't you understand? Do you have any idea how hard it is?"

"I know you Buck."

Those words set him off. Steve just didn't understand. Bucky wouldn't let Hydra use him as their puppet. Bucky wouldn't try killing Steve. The Winter Soldier did and that was him now. He turned away as he had the urge to grab Steve and shake him. "No!" He slammed his flesh fist in the wall startling Steve. As Bucky pulled his arm back, there was blood smeared on the wall. Steve didn't understand, and it hurt. "I'm not Bucky, Steve." The room stayed silent and Bucky turned his head enough to see Steve from the corner of his eye. Steve was staring at him in disbelief. He didn't want to see Steve hurt, but he had no choice, but to finish this. To protect Steve, he needed to be cruel and emotionless to Steve. Steve needs to realize that Bucky Barnes died on that cliff years ago. "Bucky is dead." He put up his defenses and showed no emotion towards Steve as he turned to face him.

Steve watched Bucky close. He knew what Bucky was doing, but he wasn't going to lose hope. Bucky is still in there. He just doesn't realize it. Hydra tortured his mind for far too long. 

After a long moment of silence, Steve stood up and walked up to Bucky. Their faces were inches apart. Steve searched Bucky's eyes and could see right through him. "No." His eyes grew intense. "You are Bucky. Winter soldier or not, you pulled me from that river." He breathed out slowly as he watched Bucky's defenses fall. "You are still in there. You're just not the same. Hydra made you their weapon, but you fought them." Bucky's eyes shifted at his words. Steve continues, "I'm not the same either. The war changes everyone."

Bucky looked down repeating Steve's words in his mind. He was right. Even if he didn't remember who he was before Hydra, his words spoke the truth. A distant feeling of familiarity arose and remembered that they had talked about this once before. It was sometime after Steve rescued him from Zola. Bucky had used his tactics of distancing himself with Steve. Steve was too stubborn to lose his friend then, so he will not back down now. Perhaps he is right. Bucky may still be in there, he just changed. He looked back up at Steve and was given a warm smile. 

\-----------------------------------

"Any news on the whereabouts of the asset?" A woman sat in a chair quietly. She twirled her hair in her hand like a teenage girl would, while the other held a pen to her lips as she chewed the end seductively. 

The soldier shifted in his stance as he spoke, "We've located him in Georgia boarding a train. Before we could apprehend him, a group of individuals, accompanied by Captain America, had captured him." He cleared his throat and his sweat began to form on his brow. "We've followed them to their location. The asset is hidden in an underground facility in the mountains in Colorado. Here are the coordinates."

The woman lips curved up into a sinister smile. "And?"

"My men are awaiting your orders." 

The woman stood up and the soldier took a step back in fear. This woman was deadly. Her red hair fell to her back midway. "Bring in our best teams and…” she gave him a smile. “wake him up. Have him capture both the asset and Captain America. They would be a great addition to our project."

"Of course, madam." The soldier hurried out the door.

Her smile began to widen at the thought of finally having both the Winter Soldier and Captain America. Pierce was careless in thinking the asset would complete his mission after being compromised, but she wouldn’t make that same mistake. She tapped on the keyboard and an image emerged of Bucky in a crowded street looking straight at the camera. "I've missed you, Winter. It's time to come home."


	5. Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is having a fabulous week! I hope you don't mind, I got super busy and had to wait to post this. I usually do this Saturday or Sunday, but I had a busy weekend. I am starting my business back up. What do I do? I am a freelance photographer! So I get to take photos all weekend long with mini sessions. I have been on a stand by since I decided to finish my degree. If you are interested to see my work you can check out:
> 
> My facebook page @ https://www.facebook.com/faythrosephotography/  
> My DeviantART @ faythrose.deviantart.com
> 
> I haven't updated the sites in awhile so it's not my best, but feel free to add and comment. 
> 
> I'M STILL IN NEED OF A EDITOR!!!

Chapter 5 – Flashbacks

Flashback

"Get in here Barnes!" Dugan yelled over Steve's soldier.

Steve wanted to get a photo of The Howling Commandos before they went on their first mission together. It wasn't easy getting photos when everyone is tired and stressed. Steve had rounded up his team to seek out Arnim Zola and the Red Skull. All, but Bucky, were willing to follow Steve in their expedition to stop the Red Skull. Steve understood Bucky's hesitance. Since Bucky's rescue, he had seemed more quiet and distant. He didn't speak much about what Zola had done to him. Bucky bore no wounds or scars, but his mind wasn’t the same. At times, Bucky would crack a joke or smile at Steve as if he was fine, but Steve could see right through him. They weren't the same Brooklyn boys they remembered back home. The war changes everyone, but Steve hoped that Bucky would still be the strong, caring friend he always loved. He was glad that he convinced Bucky to join him, but he learned that the only reason he did join was to stay by Steve's side. Bucky learned that Steve had changed from the serum, and that Steve had been more selfless. For Bucky, he was going to stick with Steve so he wouldn’t be so careless. He needed Steve to stay alive. Losing him meant Bucky would lose himself. He couldn’t stand the thought of Hydra getting their hands on Steve. Serum or not, he is still going to take care of him.

Steve turned around, as he held the camera, and gave Bucky a small smile hoping it would encourage him to come forward. Bucky cared enough to make him happy when it came to frivolous things because it meant something to Steve. It warmed Bucky to see him this way. The war didn’t take his sanity like it did him. Steve watched Bucky and slowly walked close to him. Steve knew Bucky was not fully prepared to go back to the battlefield. It was only a few weeks ago that Bucky got back. 

"Just one picture Buck?"

Bucky stared at Steve, contemplating, then finally walked over to the group. Dugan gave Bucky a squeeze on the shoulder then pulled him by his side. "That a boy!"

Steve prepared the camera. "Get ready boys!" 

The sound of the shutter was heard. As Steve gave the thumbs up, everyone began to wander off back to their tents. Steve drifted his eyes back to Bucky, who was watching him back, and gave him a sad smile. He was glad Bucky was back with his side, but he dreaded that bringing him back wasn’t the best decision. Steve came close to Bucky. They stood staring at each other as their hot breath touched. Steve didn’t know what to say. He needed to let Bucky go, but he didn’t know how safe he would be back in New York. Bucky was stubborn, but so was Steve. Steve placed a gentle hand on Bucky’s neck and lightly caressed his neck. Bucky felt the roughness of his thumb and shivered. He knew Steve was in conflict. “I’ll be ok, Steve.”

Steve looked down at his lips then back up to his eyes, He could get lost in his baby blues for hours. “I know, Buck. I just…” He didn’t know what to say. His body wanted to grab Bucky and hold him tight to ensure Bucky that he was cared for too. He wanted to send Bucky to a safe place while he stopped Hydra for good, to go back to Brooklyn and live their lives, but Bucky wouldn’t have that. He was here with Steve and he planned to stay. Steve gave Bucky another smile and pulled him into a hug. Bucky gasped as Steve held him close. He stood still for a moment, not sure how to react, so Steve only squeezed tighter. Bucky’s breathing shook as he was overwhelmed with everything finally hitting him in this moment. He quickly held Steve back. He squeezed, not wanting to let go. He wanted to go home, but he wanted Steve. He closed his eyes and felt tears trail down his cheeks. He made his choice. Steve needed him and he needed Steve. They were going to stop Hydra together. 

Steve was about to release him when Bucky pulled him back and hid his face in his neck. Steve froze when he felt the wetness. He placed a hand on Bucky’s head and shushed him. Bucky shook in quiet sobs and Steve gently rubbed his head and whispered. “It’s going to be ok, Buck. I’m not going to let them touch you again.” They stood like this for awhile and, when Bucky finally calmed down, he pulled away wiping at his face. Seeing Bucky all red in the eyes, Steve frowned. He wanted to see the sparkle in his eyes, so he vowed to help Bucky just as Bucky had helped him all those years. Steve held his arm and squeezed as he said, “Let’s get some rest.” Bucky nodded and headed to the tent, leaving Steve standing to watch him.

\-----------------------------------------

The photo of the Howling Commandos rested on Steve's lap as he stared endlessly at it. He turned it around and it was dated December 1944. The memory made him smile. He didn't have many photos of his life before, but what he did have he held dear to him. Photos of Bucky were mostly given to Bucky's family after they cleared out their apartment years ago. Steve was relieved that some memories were at least safe. When awaken from his ice capsule, S.H.I.E.L.D. had given him some of his valuables that Peggy Carter had stored away in case Steve was ever found. He had no family to pass it to, but knowing Peggy, she kept his valuables close to remember him. She kept his sketchbooks, photos, army papers, and his mother's necklace. That was all Steve would have really wanted if he had to choose. 

Steve gave a long sigh and stood up from his bed. He wondered how Bucky was and visualized Bucky sitting in his room alone. He had hoped that Bucky would start to trust him again, but he knew Bucky was struggling with his memories. He needed to help Bucky, to protect him. He didn't want Bucky to be afraid anymore, to be free of his inner turmoil. He wanted Bucky to have a life again. Steve was ready to do what it takes to get his Bucky back. 

\---------------------------------------------

Bucky wasn't sure how long he had been in Fury's base, but he knew it was at least a week or so. Thanks to Zola's serum, his wound had completely healed. He had been sitting up against the wall for hours as he saw many different flashes of memories hit him. It seemed to be much worse than before and he couldn't understand why. His head was throbbing, and his nose bled a few times when he was hit with an older memory of his life before the war. He was to the point that he wanted to smash his head against the wall. He wanted to numb the pain. How much more can he take? His hands grab at his hair and he tugged harsh at the roots. Not even that was working. If only there was a way to stop this pain.

There was a knock at the door and Bucky jumped. He quietly stared at the door through strands of his hair, He silently begged to whoever was behind that door to not enter. He wanted to be alone. No one should see him like this. His programming could resurface and make him do something he will regret later. 

There was another knock. "Bucky?" It was Steve.

Bucky dropped his head and begged in his mind for Steve to walk away and leave him be. In the back of his mind, he knew Steve wouldn't, so he pleaded. "Go away."

There was a long silence and he could hear Steve shift his weight. "You haven't eaten. Can I at least bring your food in?"

"I'm not hungry." Bucky lied. He knew even that wouldn't phase Steve either.

The door slowly opened, and Bucky curled in on himself. Steve walked past him and set the tray of food on the far table. He was heading out, but something stopped him. He turned toward Bucky and watched him for a moment. "Are you hurting?"

Steve noticed how tight Bucky was holding his hair and couldn't help but worry. Bucky didn't speak nor move so Steve knelt and gently placed his hands over the top of Bucky's. He felt Bucky's hand clench tighter and Steve squeezed them. "Hey."

Bucky had another memory flash and he sucked in a deep breathe. 

 

Flashback

Crickets sang as Steve and Bucky sat quietly in their tent. Bucky could feel Steve's eyes on him. When Bucky finally looked up, Steve could only give him a pained smile. He knew Steve was worried about him, but Bucky had to get himself back together. He had to show Steve that he was there for him, that he was ready to fight alongside him.

\----------------------------------------------

Steve tried pulling his hands away gently, but Bucky wouldn't budge. Instead of fighting his hands more, Steve wraps himself around Bucky in tight hug. It had caught Bucky by surprise, but he didn't dare move. It felt warm and some of the tension faded. Steve had done this before. He had been with Bucky during a rough time in the past. Bucky wasn't sure how he knew this, but everything about this moment was familiar.

"Talk to me, Buck." Steve held Bucky for a while as he collected himself.

Another memory flashed and Bucky felt an immense pain in the back of his head. 

 

Flashback

Bucky and Steve walked side by side as they led the men through the woods. Steve kept glancing at Bucky, but Bucky kept his eyes forward. He knew Steve was going to question him about what had happened in Zola's lab, but Bucky wasn't ready to speak of it. Steve didn’t need to know…

\-----------------------------------------

He made a pained grunt and Steve pulled Bucky away from him. Concerned, he tried looking at Bucky's face, but Bucky kept it covered using his arms. He didn't want Steve to look at him. Not like this. He was in a terrible state and seeing the pain in Steve's eyes would only make it worse.

"Bucky, what's wrong? You're hurting." Steve begged. He knew something was terribly wrong. He waited for Bucky to respond, but instead Bucky curled in himself even tighter. The pain was beginning to subside when another wave hit, but this time it was more excruciating than the last.

 

Flashback

Bucky sat up from the cold cement floor as he heard footsteps in the distance. The caged men who were whispering grew silent. Two soldiers walked past the first cells and was slowly examining the men inside. They wore black German uniforms with an emblem of a red skull on the top left shoulder that had tentacles coming out. Bucky had never seen this emblem before. It was most definitely not the German Natzes, but yet they spoke German. They kept walking to each cell, eyeing each one of the men. They finally stopped in front of his cell. The soldier looked at all the men inside and his gaze stopped at Bucky. "Das hier. (That one.)"

The men, in the cell, started to whisper. Bucky heard one state "Once they take them, they never come back" and Bucky felt panic rising in him. What were they going to do? He heard what the Natzes had been doing in the prison camps. Were they going to torture him?

One soldier put in the key to the cell door while the other opened it slowly, giving Bucky a menacing smile. Bucky backed up into the men behind him. He felt hands pull him back on his shoulders. Someone yelled, "He's not going anywhere with you!"

His heart pounded hard inside his chest. The soldier pointed his blue glowing gun in front of his face and Bucky felt more hands hold onto him as he stared at the barrell. He saw what these guns had done to his men on the battlefield. He wasn't ready to die. 

"Lass uns gehen. (Let's go).

\-------------------------  
Bucky screamed. His heart pounded in his ears and his vision began to blacken.

 

Flashback

He awoke feeling pain throughout his body. He remembered being dragged as his left arm made a trail of crimson in the whiteness surrounding him. 

\-----------------------------------

Then another flash.

 

Flashback

A Soviet soldier was cutting into his stomach with a small blade. Blood poured down him and the soldier spat on him saying, "нечисто американский (filthy American)." 

\--------------------------------------------------

He clawed at the back of his neck. The pain was too much for him to bear.

Steve's instincts kicked in and he pulled Bucky's hands away. Bucky yelled and pushed him away, but Steve came right back. He saw blood at Bucky's fingertips and began to panic. He knew if Bucky kept up he would dig into his neck. 

"STOP!" Steve pleaded, but Bucky kept at it. Steve pulled Bucky forward and slammed him down on his front and jumped behind him to wrap his arms over Bucky's arms. Once he was successful, Bucky began to thrash under him while screaming in agony. Steve wrapped his legs over Bucky's legs and held him tight knowing that if he lets him go, then Bucky would harm himself again. 

Bucky was finally calming down, but once Steve would move, Bucky took the opportunity to thrash his way out to no success. Steve lifted him off the floor and had Bucky lean back into his chest. As he held him, Steve whispered in his ear "It's ok Buck. I got you."

Bucky's face was tear-stained and drenched in sweat. His nose and ears were covered in blood. He tried focusing on his surroundings, but he still felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. He wanted the pain to go away. He needed to get out whatever was in his head. He knew Hydra put something in there, but Steve wasn't letting him get it out. Bucky sobbed at the thought of never being free of pain. He never asked for this. He wished he had died in that fall from the train. 

"убей меня... пожалуйста (Kill me...please)." His body began to shake as he started to break into sobs. Steve held Bucky tighter as he felt Bucky shake. Bucky was falling apart, and he needed to be there for Bucky more than ever. When Bucky screamed in agony, Steve started to cry. He could sense the plea in his voice as he begged. He just didn’t know what to do.

"Steve...please." Bucky's voice was hoarse. He couldn't open his eyes as the pain coursed through his head. All he could think of was killing himself to stop the pain. 

Steve leaned into him and sobbed with Bucky. "Buck...I don't know what to do? I'm sorry...I...I Don't know what to do?" 

The door burst open and Natasha ran in as Fury stood behind. Natasha knelt before them. Steve could see the worry on Natasha's face as she examined Bucky. "Steve, we need to take him to medical."

Steve didn't comprehend what he was being told. His mind was racing with his broken thoughts. Thoughts of how useless he is to Bucky.

"Steve!" Natasha looked in Steve's eyes. She placed a gentle hand on his cheek and he broke out of his trance. "We need to take him to medical before he has a seizure."

Steve nodded in acknowledgement. "Ok." He started to release Bucky when Bucky tensed up in pain and screamed again. Natasha held Bucky's arm as the wave hit and when he finally settled his body went limp. He was exhausted.

Natasha couldn't hide the fear in her features and Steve felt himself panic. He released Bucky and wrapped his metal arm over his neck. He lifted his body in bridal style and started to run to the medical room with Natasha and Fury on his tail. Steve didn't know that it would get this bad. The blinding rage filling inside Steve was becoming too intense. He was ready to snap anyone who dared to hurt Bucky again.

They finally reached the medical room and Steve gently laid Bucky on the table. The doctors were already frantically working to help him. "Mr. Rogers, we need you to please stand back."

"I'm not leaving his side." Steve stood his ground, but a gentle hand pulled his arm and he followed it. He slowly led out until he was outside the door. He kept his eyes on Bucky, watching for any hint of pain. Bucky lay motion less and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. When the nurse closed the door, he quickly moved to the window to watch them work. Steve stood there quietly as his thoughts raced. He blamed himself for Bucky's suffering. Bucky wouldn't have been in this pain if he had never asked him to join him years ago. 

Natasha stood silent next to him. She released his arm as she watched him stare through the glass. She had never seen him this distraught and it made her heart ache. She then looked through the glass at Bucky as the doctors started to cuff his metal arm. She noticed Bucky's flesh hand start to curl tightly in a fist and ran back in the room. She held his arm down in an attempt to stop it from attacking the nurses. Steve was at his feet and held them firmly down as the doctors tried to put the cuffs on the rest of his limbs. The nurse cuffed the arms then, as she reached his legs, Bucky started to tense up. His body arched as he screamed in pain. Steve held his legs as tight as he could, but Bucky managed to pull his leg out and kick him across the room. Steve hit the wall hard enough to make it crack. He was stunned and watched as everyone tried holding Bucky down again. He didn't know what to do. Whatever Hydra did to him is torturing him from inside his mind. 

Dark blood poured out of Bucky's nose and ears. Natasha looked at his eyes and noticed how bloodshot they were as he stared up at the ceiling. She knew he needed something to stop the programming in his head. "Give him something!" She screamed over Bucky.

The female nurse ran to the cabinets and rummaged through them. Natasha leaned close to Bucky and, with a gentle hand, moved his head so he could look into her eyes. "James, listen to me."

Bucky tried focusing on her as much as he could. The pain was too excruciating, but he kept his eyes on her.

"I need you to trust these doctors. They're going to stop the pain." She assured.

Bucky tried holding back a painful grunt as another wave of pain hit and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried hard to concentrate on anything, but the pain, but only memories kept invading his mind. The memories were becoming harder to recognize and he shook his head as he tried to make sense of it. 

Steve finally stood back up to Bucky's legs and held them tightly. The doctors were finally able to cuff them to the table and most of the doctors stepped away feeling more safe. 

Bucky tensed up again, but Natasha noticed it was different. He started to convulse in spasms. "He's having a seizure!" 

She held his hand tightly as she watched him. She could barely hear the nurse, in the background, counting as she timed the seizure. Natasha looked toward Steve and could see the suffering in his features as he watched Bucky. Steve looked back to her and she nodded at him. She grabbed Bucky by the hair and lifted his head. She charged her baton and stuck it behind his neck. Electricity crackled and Bucky’s body arched up. When Natasha removed the baton, he slammed back down unconscious. 

\------------------------

A few hours passed, and Steve sat motionless on the floor by a wall, staring up at Bucky. His chest ensured Steve he was very much alive and counted each inhale and exhale. His thoughts wandered as he stared at Bucky. He wondered what his life would have been like if he had gone without Bucky all those years ago. Bucky did say he didn't really want to go back, but Steve needed him by his side. He now felt selfish for bringing Bucky in this. Steve remembered telling Bucky that fighting together was their best chance at winning, but, seeing that now, it proved it was not. He blamed himself for Bucky having to suffer and Steve felt it should have been him. 

Steve started to silently cry. He put a hand over his eyes to try and hide the tears as he spoke. "I'm so sorry Buck. This is my fault. I should have listened." He began to sob. 

After a moment, he stood up and slowly walked by Bucky's side. His eyes searched Bucky's features. He studied him and kept in mind all the lines and hairs on his face. He then remembered how he use to draw Bucky when he was in art school. Bucky was always willing to be his model. Even though Bucky didn't look the same as he did before the fall, he could still see the same old Bucky he remembered. 

Steve placed his hand lightly on Bucky's forehead. "You don't deserve this. It should have been me. " He squeezed his eyes shut as tears tried to escape them. "You remember when we were kids, we and a group of fellas were hanging out on the docks? Some of them were messin' around and started pushing fellas in the water. We thought it was hilarious until one tried pushing me and you..." He made a small breathy laugh. "...went ballistic." He paused. "You always had my back." Steve opened his eyes and his hand stroked Bucky's forehead. "I never asked you for anything...but...you kept me on my feet." Steve started to cry again. "That's why I couldn't go alone. I needed you by my side Buck. I couldn't fight the war without you." Steve stared at Bucky hoping to see his eyes open. He loved the lightness of his blue eyes. To Steve, that was Bucky's best feature.

He hoped Bucky could hear him. "We're going to get through this. When this is over, you and I will get some sundaes like we use to. You know, that diner we use to go to is still in business. You remember Tom's Restaurant? It's still there. We should go...you and me pal." Steve smiled.

Bucky laid motionless on the medical table and Steve just stared. He knew Bucky wouldn't wake up, but he imagined him smiling back. He was going to help Bucky fight through this...until the end of the line.


	6. Unexpected Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for not updating every weekend. I got a new car and had exams before Spring break was to come. I will be working super hard so I can pay the sales tax on my new car. I am so pumped! I LOOOOOVE my new car. Also, forgive my writing, I still have no one to edit my work so I am still on my own. I don't know how you find one. This is all new to me. Call me old school, but I prefer paper and pencil then handing it to a friend to proof read and fix my mistakes. This online writing is much different.
> 
> I am super excited to see the new Infinity Wars trailer!!! Comment what your ideas are on how this story will go.

Chapter 6 – unexpected visitors 

Natasha and Fury stood across from each other in Fury's office. A screen was up showing an image of Bucky laying on the metal table with Steve crying on his chest. It took everything Natasha had not to run to Steve and hold him. He looked so vulnerable. It wasn't like Steve to fall apart so easily. 

They have been quietly contemplating what to do next with Bucky's situation. Natasha thought hard. "We need to find someone. Soon. He might die." Natasha said. 

Fury turned to her and noticed how distant she looked. He knew Natasha a long time. He had never seen her break so easily. There was more to this than meets the eye, he thought. 

With no response, Natasha looked up at him. She knew Fury didn't trust Bucky, but also knew Fury was willing to help. "Do you still have the contact?" She pleaded.

Fury knew who she meant and contemplated. "It's not that easy Natasha. I'm off the radar. I can't just go and find him in our current situation." He paused as he thought of an idea. "You are going to have to go alone."

Natasha nodded as she straightened her stance. "I'm ready."

\---------------------

Steve had fallen asleep with pure exhaustion while sitting up against the wall across from Bucky. Natasha’s entrance jolted him awake. His mind raced and knew that Natasha was here for a reason and he stood immediately next to Bucky. He gave a pained sigh at the sight of Bucky still not awake. He turned to Natasha who gently placed her hand on Bucky’s arm. After a moment, she walked to the other side of Bucky and examined him. Bucky's face was cleaned of all the blood, thanks to Steve. He was in a deep dreamless sleep. After the staff checked him to ensure he was not damaged from the seizure, they gave him sedatives to keep his mind from getting more flashbacks before any more damage could be done. They knew he had a similar super soldier serum as Steve, so Bucky would heal much quicker in this state. When she looked to Steve, he was still staring at Bucky with grief. She knew this look. It was the look of loss. Being under the ice for all those years and woken into a new time made him distant. Over time, Natasha watched Steve closely. When Natasha first met Steve, she could tell he was alone. When Fury had asked Steve to help on the mission with finding Loki’s staff, he seemed to pep up. But Natasha knew what was hidden underneath. Steve had lost almost everything he came to love and know. He is now in a new world trying to relearn life. Like any other soldier, he felt the need to serve his country in hopes that he would stay sane. Steve was offered help, but he refused. It was expected of him, knowing how therapy was not introduced for soldiers during his time in the 40’s. So, Natasha felt the need to keep a close eye on him and try to be his friend. 

"Steve." Natasha whispered. His eyes slowly moved to her face. She pursed her lips at the sight and continued, "I'm going to get help. Fury knows someone that specializes in this." Hope filled Steve's eyes and Natasha tried smiling. "We're going to fight this."

Steve breathed in hard through his nose and closed his eyes as tears fought to spill out. "Thank you." He breathed out.

"If he wakes, I need you to try and keep him from focusing on the memories. Whatever Hydra implanted in him is causing a failsafe. It seems to be causing damage to his brain. I'm not sure exactly, but if it gets worse he may suffer permanent damage." Natasha tried to keep her tone calm for Steve, but she could tell this was not what he wanted to hear.

"Ok." Steve spoke quietly. 

"You need to get some rest, Steve." He looked beyond exhausted. She was worried for his mental state. 

When Steve looked at her she knew he wasn't willing to leave Bucky's side. "I'll rest here." He then sat back down to the wall and closed his eyes.

Natasha sighed. She knew he was stubborn and wasn’t about to persuade him otherwise. If Steve felt safer near Bucky, then she won’t fight him. She walked out of the room and pulled out her phone. Her mission now was to find the person who can save Bucky Barnes.

\---------------------------

Pain throbbed in Bucky's head, but he didn't dare to open his eyes. He went still when he heard someone breathing close by. He tensed at the idea that he could be back with Hydra. As he listened more closely, he recognized the breathing pattern. He let out a quiet breath as he realized it was only Steve. He then wondered what had happened and tried remembering earlier events. When he remembered about his episode earlier, he squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t believe that Hydra’s programming has gotten this bad. The first few months after the fight on the Helli-carrier, he had been getting many flashes of memories without no pain. Now, his head throbbed if he remembered anything. He decided to keep his eyes closed and wait. Random thoughts passed, and he wondered how long he had been out. He decided to just keep his mind blank and lay there. He focused on Steve's breathing to distract his mind. His breathing was strong and deep. He knew that this wasn’t always the case. A memory of Steve having an asthma attack came to mind and he tensed at the immense pain in his head. He tried breathing through it then heard Steve's breathing change. He kept still so Steve wouldn’t acknowledge him.

At the sound of Bucky’s gasp, Steve jolted awoke. He kept his body on alert and it didn’t help to let him rest. As he stood up, he found he was stiff at the odd position he slept. He looked to Bucky and noticed his change in demeanor. He rested his hand on his forehead and Bucky’s eyes squeezed shut. Steve cursed internally and moved his hand away quickly. Bucky squinted his eyes open to look at Steve, so Steve gave him a warm smile. "Hey."

Bucky said nothing as he closed his eyes again. He just wanted to rest and make the throbbing in his head go away. He didn't know how much longer he would manage feeling this way. He was used to pain, but he was done with feeling. Before, Hydra made him know the consequences if he disobeyed. They were constant reminders throughout his time under their rule. They drilled into him that pain was the best way to succeed in his missions. It got to the point that Bucky didn’t care for his self being anymore. Now that he was on the run, he had to relearn how to take care of his mind and body. It wasn’t easy.

"Natasha is finding someone to help you get whatever it is out of your head." Steve spoke soothingly. 

Bucky just laid quietly for a moment. He squinted his eyes again and stared at the ceiling as he spoke. "How can I trust someone to be inside my head after all this?"

He didn’t blame Bucky for not trusting this, but Steve couldn’t let Bucky be in anymore pain. If Natasha finds someone to stop Hydra’s programming then Bucky would finally be free of Hydra, Then, maybe, Bucky could start over and have a life again. Bucky was always the strong one of the bunch. If it wasn’t for him, Steve wouldn’t have been able to finish their mission in World War II. He’s the reason Steve stayed strong for so long. It was Steve's turn to help him. 

"Natasha is good at finding people. I trust her." Steve assured.

Bucky turned his head slightly. He saw the hope in Steve and it made it easier on Bucky. He knew he could trust Steve and for some reason he believed that Natasha could be trusted too. She didn’t seem to hold any grudges for what had happened after the events on bridge. He knew not to trust a Widow, but she wasn’t like the other Widows. He could see that she really wanted to help.

A nurse walked in and they both put their attention on her. She tried smiling at them and walked by Bucky's side. " I'm here to check on your vitals." She looked at the monitor behind Bucky and then down at him. " I'll give you some pain medication for your headache. It may not take the pain away fully, but it should help."

Bucky looked hard at her. He couldn’t pinpoint it, but he didn't trust her. He turned to Steve for assurance and Steve nodded. "It's ok. She's with Fury."

Bucky swallowed and stared at the ceiling. He still didn't trust this person, but then again, he never trusted anyone up until Steve. He closed his eyes and waited. He felt a prick in his right arm then he opened them to see the nurse smirking down at him. He creased his brows in confusion and then felt panic rise in him. His body knew there was danger. He looked to Steve who placed his hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down, but Bucky knew something wasn't right. "Steve..."

"Now Mr. Barnes. You should feel much better in a few minutes." The nurse stepped out of the room giving Steve a nod.

Steve looked down at Bucky and saw such panic in his eyes. "It's ok Buck. It's just pain medicine."

"No...Steve." Bucky could feel himself become drowsy. He knew his body could withstand the effects of pain medication. This wasn't right. The pain did not dull, but his focus was getting foggy.

Steve noticed the change and became more alert. As he turned to call for help, he was pushed hard back into the wall. Once he hit the floor, he rushed back to his feet. The nurse stood next to Bucky and he lunged toward her. Her eyes began to change to a blackness and a black mist emitted from her entire body. Steve collided with her and they both scooted back inch by an inch. Steve was surprised at her strength. She gave him a menacing smile and another wave hit Steve, throwing him back so hard the back of his head cracked into the cement wall. His legs grew weak and, as he slid down the wall, a trail of blood was left behind. The nurse watched Steve, as he lolled his head, trying to fight for consciousness. She turned to Bucky and the black mist encircled her hand. She pushed the mist above his head and Bucky tried to push his head back deeper into the table as he watched it move closer to his face. He had no idea what he was seeing. He thrashed against the cuffs with all his strength. As the mist was covering his vision it disappeared.

The nurse was thrown to the floor as Steve threw himself into her. She fought against him, but he was not going to let her have the advantage. He grabbed ahold of her hair and slammed her face into the floor repeatedly. When she was no longer moving, he stood up and watched her for any movement. He usually wasn’t so reckless, but when he saw that nurse over Bucky, he was enraged. He wasn’t going to let them have Bucky again. It's his job to protect him now.

He took a deep breath as he tried to calm his body of the adrenaline rush. He turned to Bucky and hastily uncuffed him. Bucky seemed out of it and tried to push himself away, but Steve shushed him and lifted him up. "Come on Bucky. We're getting out of here."

Bucky wrapped his flesh arm around Steve's neck as Steve helped him slide off the table. When Bucky started to walk with Steve, he stumbled. The injection he was given was enough to make Bucky disoriented so Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky’s waist and lifted him back up. He carried Bucky's weight as they walked through the door. Steve cautiously looked at his surroundings and, when the path seemed safe, he carried Bucky through the halls. 

They reached a door and Steve slowly laid Bucky down to the floor. He slowly opened the door and peeked through the open crack. There was no one in sight so he bent down to pick Bucky back up and they quietly walked through more corridors until they reached his room. He grabbed his shield and threw on his gear. Bucky fought to stay awake as he watched Steve. He felt ready to give up, but Steve was in his face whispering “Stay with me, Buck.” It encouraged him to keep fighting the sedative. They headed back through the corridors. 

They reached the upper level and walked the edge of the balcony overlooking an open platform. Steve sighed. The only jet and various vehicles were on fire. Steve sighed. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy. There had to be more of these intruders around and they won’t let anyone out easily. He dragged Bucky back to the wall and sat him down. Bucky was still having trouble focusing but fought hard to stay awake. He watched Steve move around to find an exit. At the sound of a door closing, they both turned. 

A man dressed in all black stood watching them in the shadows. Steve ran in front of Bucky as he eyed the mystery man. The man was tall and broad. He wore full body tactical suit that covered his entire body, but only revealed his glowing blue eyes. Steve thought it to be dramatic. When the man changed stance, Steve held his shield up and gave the man a challenging look.

The man stared at Steve for a moment then eyed Bucky. Bucky stared right back. He knew he was Hydra but couldn’t pinpoint who he was. His memory may have been altered to not remember this man. The man raised his arm and pointed at Bucky then moved toward them. Steve clutched tightly to his shield and ran to him. They collided hard as Steve slammed into him. He pushed the man back and braced his shoulder against the shield. He managed to make the man slide a few inches. They stared each other down as they tried to find weakness in each other. Before Steve could react, the man pushed against the shield making Steve fall back on his footing, surprising Steve with his strength. He was not an ordinary human. Steve used his shield to slam into him again, but the man grabbed it and roughly ripped it out of Steve's grasp. Steve was stunned. The man took this opportunity to kick him hard making Steve slide far back down to the floor. 

Bucky watched in horror. When Steve was down, he forced himself to his feet and ran to his aid. Before Bucky could reach Steve, the man grabbed Bucky and threw him away from Steve. He walked up to Steve and bent down to him. As he bent down to grab Steve’s shirt, Bucky threw his body on the man and they fell back. He wrestled with the man and managed to pin him by the arms. As the man struggled he pulled hard at Bucky’s metal arm. The arms began to whine and couldn’t hold back against his strength. The man slammed his arm to the ground then slams his fist in Bucky’s face. Bucky fell back with a yelp, and blood poured out his nose. He quickly stood, wiped his nose, and took a stance in front of Steve yelling at him to, "Get up!"

Steve shook his head and climbed up the wall. He pushed himself to stand behind Bucky. He felt dizzy still so he shook his head to refocus again then stated "This guy is strong. Be careful." Bucky nodded in agreement. He kept his eyes on the mystery man whose eyes seem to smile back at him. Whoever this was, they were enhanced to fight against him and Steve. There was no mistaking that he was from Hydra. The man’s stare grew intense toward Bucky and, as he cocked his head to the side as if studying him, he seemed amused. Bucky shivered at the creepiness of it.

"I got your back. " Steve walked beside Bucky.

The man sprinted to them. Bucky threw a fist, but the man quickly bent down and kneed him in the stomach. Bucky took a step back with a loud grunt. Steve wrapped his hands together in a large fist and slammed down on the man's crown. The man stood unaffected so he swiped Steve under his feet making him fall flat on his back. Bucky punched the man as hard as he could across his face multiple times. The man grabbed his metal arm tightly and stared at Bucky as he struggled to pull his arm out of his grasp. He pulled his arm over, throwing him hard against the wall. The wall crumbled as Bucky hit. A wave of dizziness hit, and he shook his head trying to keep himself focused. The drugs in his body were not helping.

Steve punched and kicked as fast and hard as his body would allow, but the man met every single hit. The man snuck in a fist to Steve's abdomen and repeatedly punched him. Steve tried taking cover, but he was no match for the man’s hits. The hit change to his face. He went to cover, but then the blows moved to his sides. Immense pain hit Steve, and he fell to his knees. The man kicked him in the chest sending him into the wall so hard that Steve expelled the air from his lungs. Steve opened his eyes and there was a blow to his head so hard it made him dizzy. He slowly looked up at the man who stood watching him curiously. Steve spat blood at him. "You're not taking him."

The man bent down slowly in front of him. His eyes showed such adoration. He wiped Steve's mouth with his thumb. Steve growled at him and tried pushing him away. The man grabbed the top of Steve's hair and watched Steve for a moment as he struggled against him. He yanked Steve’s head back making it strain then punched him hard across the face. He released his hold on Steve, and he fell to the floor unconscious. The man stood up as he watched Steve's motionless body lying. 

Bucky grew enraged and ran at the man screaming. "Noooo!" Blinded by anger, he threw at him all he had which made it harder for the man to block his hits. Bucky managed to get the man pinned against the wall with his metal arm on his throat. He pushed hard wanting to hear his neck crack as he bored into him with such rage. The man’s eyes twinkled with adoration, and then kneed him in the stomach. Bucky lost his grip and the man threw his arms up to remove Bucky's hold on him. The man grabbed him by his throat and Bucky quickly grabbed at his hand with his metal arm and squeezed tight. The man grunted from the pain but did not break his hold. Bucky wanted to crush him, so he tried pulling his hand away and, when he didn’t budge, he went for his finger. There was a sound of bone cracking and the man faltered. He slammed his other fist in the man's temple repeatedly until the man stumbled back a little. Bucky’s fist ached, and he stood watching the man as blood dripped from his knuckles. The man regained his stance and bent down to leap forward. He wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist then lifted him up in the air as he ran him into the bannister. They both busted through it and flew down, slamming onto another rail near the steps. Bucky screamed and flipped himself back, falling to his front down on the bottom floor. Bucky felt a sharp pain in his back and he let in a sharp intake of breath. He heard the man drop on the floor behind him. Bucky tried pulling himself up and the man slowly walked behind him. The pain was excruciating so Bucky gave up and just laid there in defeat. His body shuddered as he waited. He couldn’t go back. He would rather die than go through the torture again.

The man watched Bucky curiously. He saw Bucky shudder and he slowly squatted to gently stroke his head. Bucky clenched his fists tight and tried to crawl again, but the man grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled his head back. Bucky’s neck muscled strained at the angle and a tear fell down his cheek. “Just fucking kill me.” He begged.

The man admired him and finally spoke, "You're not going anywhere, Winter."

Bucky's eyes grow wide at the familiarity of the voice, but it couldn’t be. Before Bucky could speak, the man slammed his head into the ground making it crack. He kept still as he waited for any movement. When there was none, he lifted his head up and watched as blood leaked from a large cut on Bucky's forehead. The man’s eyes smiled as he admired his work. He dropped Bucky’s head then stood. He pressed his finger to the side of his ear and spoke, "They're both ready."


	7. You're Mine

Chapter 7 – you’re mine

Bright lights enveloped Bucky's vision. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep his mind focused. This was nothing new to him. After many experiments under Hydra, Bucky learned that this was typical methods in disorienting him so that he wouldn’t know his surroundings. All sight and sound were a challenge to him. He could sometimes hear muffled voices, but no words could be deciphered. His mind screamed of Hydra. He was afraid. He knows they wouldn’t give him death. Instead, they would make him suffer with something much worse. They knew his fears and constantly used them against him. All he wanted was his memories, but Hydra wouldn’t allow that. His chest ached, and he wasn't quite sure, but he thinks he is crying. He felt utterly weak. He didn’t want to be a weapon. They took away his life away and he finally got it back. Now he's trapped in their grasp and he can never be freed again. Hydra doesn't repeat the same mistakes. 

Bucky tried very hard to focus on the voices in the distance. He turned to look and saw blurry figures move toward him. The dark figure came close to him and he tried following it to clear his vision. A hand grabbed his chin and moved his head from side to side to examine him. He listened as the figure spoke "Don't worry. They'll be fixing you up good as new."

The voice was familiar, but he couldn’t focus enough to figure it out. Bucky closed his eyes and let out a pained cry. His mind raced with thoughts of more pain and torture. He couldn’t do this again! He wanted to die. Hands grasped his flesh arm and he felt a slight prick of a needle. His world began to fade into darkness.

\--------------------------

The next time Bucky awoke, he was lying on his stomach. He still had a hard time focusing so he moved his hands to feel his surroundings. He panicked when he noticed is hands were bounded, and he tried pulling at them. He jolted as he felt many hands push down on him hard. Someone was yelling, although, Bucky still couldn't focus enough to know what was being said. He tried to pull away, but a heavy weight pushed hard on his shoulder blades. It made it hard to breathe so he gasped as he fought. He didn't know what they were doing to him. Were they getting inside his head? 

Bucky panicked again at the thought and started yelling. He wanted his memories. He can’t lose them now after he fought so hard to find them. Bucky tried yelling louder. He begged them to not take away his memories. The weight shifted, and someone's was close to his ear. "If you want to be able to function it's best you lie still so they can fix your spine."

Bucky froze. What did they mean? What happened? Did he get injured? He couldn’t remember anything.

"That's a good soldier." The voice cooed.

The weight lifted slightly just enough to allow Bucky to breathe. Bucky felt someone stroking the back of his head soothingly. He started to have a hard time keeping his eyes opened and before darkness claimed him again he heard someone say "We're going to have to replace a few discs if he wants to be able to walk again..."

\---------------------------------

Light panels raced past Bucky's vision as he slowly opened his eyes. He didn't know where he was going, and he didn’t care. He hoped death was coming for him. He shifted his gaze to the person holding him and squinted his eyes to focus on his chin. Whoever it was had a slight rugged appearance. Bucky couldn't see his face, but he felt a familiarity. He closed his eyes to try and think and an image of Steve came to mind. It was Steve! It had to be. He couldn’t forget that strong jaw. He was here to save Bucky from Hydra. Bucky lifted his head and tried lifting his arm, but it felt heavy. He made a small whimper and let gravity take over, letting his head fall back. He felt overly relaxed. It must have been the drugs Hydra pumped into him. 

Bucky fought to stay awake and lifted his head again to rest against his chest. He tried to speak, but it seemed harder than he thought. "S-Steve..." 

The battle to stay awake had taken its toll on Bucky and he felt safe enough to surrender to sleep. He closed his eyes and engulfed in the warmth against him. Hydra no longer overpowered him. Steve had saved him.

\-------------------------

"Come on Bucky! It's just one time! You only live once!" Steve eyed Bucky with a creased brow. He was getting anxious.

Bucky chuckled at the sight. To him, Steve looked like he was a child when he begged. Steve was small for his age, but his personality made up for it. Steve was strong willing and even though Steve would have a spit fire personality, he was always in good terms. Bucky was always proud of him, but some days Steve would be so selfless that it drove Bucky nuts. You had to keep your eye on Steve and hope no one around him would say or do the wrong thing or he’d be running his mouth. Most of the time he would end up in a fight and Bucky would have to save his ass. It was a never-ending cycle. Poor Sarah use to stitch him up every week. Thankfully, she had Bucky to ensure Steve wouldn’t end up dead on a street. On top of that, Steve had many health issues. He wanted to be like everyone else and would run himself to exhaustion. He was a fighter though. He survived many deadly illnesses and doesn’t plan to go down so easily. To Bucky, his health was more important.

"Not a chance, pal." Bucky smiled.

Steve wanted to see the fireworks near the docks on his birthday, but he just had to catch a bad cold. Who gets a cold in the summer anyways? Bucky was kind enough to spend his day helping Sarah Rogers tend to Steve while she went to work for a few hours. Sarah worked herself to death, so she wouldn't have to worry about falling behind on bills. Steve blames himself for this and tries to find ways to money to help. Once when Bucky and Steve were drunk on whiskey, Bucky learned how Steve felt about himself. Steve spoke that if he had died during infancy then his mother would be free of all the hardship of his illnesses. She could have found another spouse and not have to worry about working so hard to keep him alive. Bucky hurt at that realization and pointed out that if that had happened then he wouldn’t have found a great friend like Steve. It made Steve laugh, but Bucky meant every word. He cared for Steve very much. Bucky was a good friend. He helped when no one asks and doesn't expect anything in return. When it came to Steve, he was always by his side when in need. Bucky could tell Sarah appreciated Bucky very much and he always noticed her watching him with a warm smile.

Bucky looked down at Steve who stared back. His eyes started to fade to white and Bucky's smile faltered. Steve fell back in the bed and Bucky jumped to his aid. He pulled Steve up yelling his name, but he couldn't hear his own voice. He looked around as he tried calling for help, but Steve's small room shifted into a battlefield. Bucky recognized it from his time during the war and his breathe hitched. Bucky looked back at Sarah, who still stood with that smile on her face, and tried yelling for her. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t make a sound. Her smile turned to a frown and tears behind to fall. As she reached her hand to him, she mouthed, "Save him." 

Bucky looked back down to Steve and he was no longer small. He wore his Captain America uniform, but was covered in filth. The star had been ripped away and Bucky began to panic. As he looked at Steve, his eyes were lifeless. He tried shaking him awake but stopped as blood trailed out of his mouth.

"Steve...!!!" Bucky felt himself shake. Steve was all he had left. Why did it have to be Steve? 

Bucky felt something slither around his torso and he looked down. A red tentacle was wrapping itself around him and pulled him away from Steve. Everything around him started to shatter and he felt as if he was falling in a black abyss. Bucky tried pulling away. Before he could get any further, more tentacles wrapped around his arms and legs. Bucky fought harder against them, but they kept pulling him back. He watched as Steve's lifeless body slowly started to sink into the blackness. Bucky cried out for Steve, but he was being pulled further and further away until only darkness could be seen.

Bucky whimpered in his sleep and curled in on himself as tears fell from his eyes. Arms wrapped around his torso and held him tight. Within moments, Bucky began to thrash in his sleep. As he tried pulling away, the arms held on tighter. They then wrapped their body around his arms and legs as Bucky thrashed more. The tighter the grip the harder Bucky fought. 

The figure sighed knowing it was the drugs giving him the nightmares. He held on until Bucky started to calm. Once Bucky’s breathing was heavy, he pulled him back into his chest and sniffed. Bucky’s aroma was intoxicating and made him smile. The Winter Soldier was now his. 

\---------------------------------

Bucky’s hands felt soft fabric wrinkle under his touch. His eyes were too heavy to open so he fought to open his eyes. Finally, he managed to peek at his surroundings. The room was very bright, making it hard for Bucky to keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds. He rolled to his side and felt heavy throughout his body as he tried sitting up. When he finally managed to sit up, a wave of dizziness hit so he braced himself. When it passed, he positioned his feet to stand. His legs grew weak as he stood, and he caught himself against the wall. He kept focused and took deep breaths. Once he was able to finally keep himself up, he leaned against the wall and slowly worked himself forward. The whole room was too white making his eyes burn. He stumbled over his footing and fell to his knees. As he sat there, he wondered if he was under Hydra's walls or back at Fury's base. He couldn't focus enough to really know. All he could remember was him and Steve trying to escape. 

Bucky turned when he heard a noise. His vision was blurred, but in the distance, he could only make out a dark figure standing from afar as a door closed behind them. Bucky squinted his eyes more to focus harder but to no avail. The dark figure started to approach him, and Bucky's eyes followed. As the figure came closer, Bucky could only see a man dressed all in black. They squatted to Bucky's level and cocked his head to the side. Bucky looked at his eyes and saw the familiar blues and breathed out, "Steve."

The man breathed out of his nose loudly and roughly pulled Bucky forward. Bucky crashed into his chest and made no effort to pull away. Steve had gotten him out and he was thankful. There was no need to fight him. He needed Steve more than anything right now. He thought they were doomed by the hands of Hydra, but Steve found a way out. Something told him that he could always count on Steve.

Bucky shivered as hands started to rub down his back. He didn’t realize he was shirtless, but the hands were warm. Bucky couldn’t help but lean into the warmth. He didn’t understand why Steve was touching him like this. When the hands reached to his lower back, Bucky closed his mouth tight to muffle the sound from the pain. The hands rubbed gently against the tender area and Bucky let a moan escape. He couldn't remember what he did. He tried remembering, but he was too exhausted. 

One of the hands moved closer to his waist and down slightly giving a gentle squeeze to his hip. Slowly, the hand moved up to allow his thumb to rub at his ribcage. Bucky shifted slightly as the movement made him shiver again. It felt good, but it also confused him. Why was Steve doing this? 

The hand then moved slowly up to his nipple and softly caressed his thumb over it making Bucky’s breath shudder. Confused, Bucky leaned away to look at Steve. Once he could focus better, he noticed Steve's lips were turned up into a smirk. Bucky's eyes traveled up his face and, once their eyes met, he saw something flicker. Bucky panicked and pushed away. Something wasn’t right. Something had happened to Steve! He gave Bucky a look of yearning, which wasn’t something he did. Before Bucky could acknowledge, Steve threw himself over Bucky and crashed them back into the wall. He felt Steve’s hot breath on his neck, so Bucky froze in place. "What are you doing, Steve?" Bucky's voice shook.

Steve's face was so close. Bucky could feel the heat of his breath as he moved his lips to Bucky's ear. He surprised Bucky as he grabbed a fistful of Bucky's hair. Whispering, he yanked back so hard it strained Bucky’s neck. “I’m not Steve.” 

At those words, Bucky trembled. Bucky couldn’t help but stare as Steve gave him a menacing smile. He knew this was because of Hydra. They must have taken Steve's memories. First him and now Steve. Bucky grew furious. He’s not going to let Hydra take the thing left from his past. They can take his memories or his mind, but not Steve.

Steve placed a hand on Bucky's thigh and squeezed hard. Bucky pushed him away, but his grip was too strong, so Steve pulled him even closer and sniffed his neck. "You smell so good. I just couldn't resist having you."

The wickedness in Steve's eyes made Bucky's heart speed up. For the first time, he feared Steve. Never had he seen Steve this way. He was truly menacing. He didn't want him to be turned into Hydra's next weapon. As Bucky searched his eyes, he knew the Steve he knew was no longer there. 

Steve's free hand roamed all over Bucky's body as if in need to feel every inch of him. Bucky tried pushing his hand away, but Steve's strength was much stronger than he remembered. He didn’t want Steve to regret what he was doing if they ever got out of this. 

"Stop please..." Bucky pleaded. 

Steve lunged forward and bit Bucky on the shoulder. Bucky groaned and started to push hard against Steve. He didn't know what Steve was planning to do, but Bucky had to snap him out of it. Steve was too strong, so he was thrown on the floor. Steve moved his legs to straddle him and grinded his hips while snarling.

Bucky tried using his metal arm to hit him, but was easily blocked. Steve captured his arms and placed them above his head, trapping them with one hand. His free hand roamed downward until they reached his waist. Steve dipped his head to Bucky's face and watched Bucky closely. "You're mine."

He pressed his lips hard against Bucky's. Shocked, Bucky went still. Steve’s lips were chapped, and his breath smelled like tobacco. Memories flashed of Bucky and Steve staring at each other. Bucky was staring at Steve’s lips as they stood waiting for Zola’s train, wanting to kiss those luscious lips. He remembered that he wanted this. He wanted to kiss Steve. His mind went blank letting his eyes close and his mouth fell open. This was his moment. 

Seeing it as an invitation, Steve began to deepen the kiss and roughly attack his mouth. Bucky shook himself out of the memory and tried struggling beneath him. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t his Steve. This is Hydra’s doing. Hydra knew Bucky’s wants and fears. They would do anything to get Bucky to bow down to them. As Bucky thrashed, Steve's free hand wrapped around Bucky's throat as he bit down on Bucky's lower lip. He wanted to taste Bucky, so he bit harder, drawing blood. Bucky pulled his hands and Steve squeezed his neck tighter wanting to hear Bucky gasp. Bucky tensed as his airways became restricted and tried focusing on not panicking. Bucky opened his mouth in attempt to breathe and Steve took that chance to force his tongue inside as he tasted him more. He grinded more making Bucky groan. His pants felt too tight as his need to get inside Bucky grew the more he tasted him. 

Bucky fought hard to break free from Steve's grip. He couldn't breathe, and his vision was getting blurry. He tried to speak, but Steve's mouth was painfully latched on. He focused on his metal arm. If only he could break free from his grasp. He listened as the plates shifted, but they still were unable to break free. Tears began to fall, and he looked to Steve with begging eyes. Steve moved away with a look of mock pity and finally released Bucky's neck. Bucky was close to passing out as he gasped for air. 

Enraged, Bucky kicked Steve in the groin throwing him off. While Steve held himself, he bolted for the door. There was no handle. Only a screen next to it so Bucky tapped at it trying to find a way to open it. He couldn't think straight seeing as his body was still pumped full of drugs. He then tried to smash at the door with his metal arm. Steve grabbed Bucky's hair and raised him to his feet as he harshly pulled him away. "You shouldn't have done that." 

Bucky feared Steve would turn on him. He begged. "Steve please. Hydra brainwashed you. Don't do this."

"I'm not Steve!" Steve yelled and launched Bucky across the room. 

Bucky hit the floor hard and slowly sat himself up. When he turned he saw such fury the he crawled away as Steve stormed toward him. He really thought Steve wanted to kill him. Bucky raised a hand up in surrender. He didn't want Steve to have any regrets. Bucky knew that Steve would have a hard time knowing he had hurt him. 

Steve tightly grabbed his wrist and pulled Bucky to his feet. He smiled at the sight of Bucky's fearful eyes. He slammed him into the wall and crashed his mouth roughly into Bucky's. He was going to make his claim on Bucky. Bucky wasn’t losing hope. He still struggled against him and Steve slammed his skull against the wall, making Bucky see stars. Bucky fought the blackness and his eyes rolled behind heavy lids. Steve lifted Bucky's chin toward him, so he would focus then licked at his lips. "You're lucky I let you live seeing as Hydra found you to be useless. I just couldn't help myself." His eyes skimmed over Bucky’s face. "You were their best asset.” He gave Bucky a look of disgust. “Now look at you." He waited for Bucky to respond but was met with a look of defeat. "How pathetic." 

Steve grabbed Bucky's throat again and pushed his weight against him. Bucky's hands flew to his hand and tried prying it away. Steve watched in amusement. Fear and betrayal flashed across Bucky's features as he fought for his life. Bucky's fight was growing weaker and his eyes started to turn glassy. Bucky couldn’t give up, but it seemed Steve was truly lost to Hydra. His mind begged to bring Steve back to him, but he was slowly losing the battle of survival. Steve wasn’t planning on letting go so he let the darkness overpower him. He finally gave in and dropped his hands. Once Steve felt he had enough, he let go of Bucky and watched as he fell to the floor. He bent down to check his pulse and smiled at the sign of life still beating in Bucky. He then walked away leaving Bucky unconscious on the cold cement floor.


	8. An Old Acquaintence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about to get hot in here!
> 
> My attempts as updating this every weekend is failing! I hope my readers aren't too mad at me. Life can really take away your time. Cross your fingers for another update by Friday! I am currently rewriting Chapter 9. This story is already finished, but I had to rewrite it since my writing has changed in the past few years.

Chapter 8 – an old acquaintance 

Natasha watched the monitors closely at the images of the mystery man entering the facility. She was overwhelmed with knowing that both Steve and Bucky were taken out so easily by this man. If only she hadn't left, then she could have done something. It was inevitable though, Bucky needed someone to remove the programming inside his head. She had found the professor in time, but Fury had informed her the facility had been compromised. Natasha, the professor, and his colleague had searched the facility for any survivors. Whoever it was, had done some serious damage. There were many casualties and deaths. What little team Fury had was wiped out in a matter of minutes. They relocated to a hidden base deep in the forest not far from the facility. They all knew it wasn't the best choice, but it was all they could accomplish in a short amount of time. The intruders didn’t seem too concerned with anything else, but only the super soldiers. It was odd. Natasha didn't know what to do. She was good at what she does, but there was nothing to use to track the intruders. She only hoped that the boys would stay strong until she found a way to save them.

"One of the nurses was found dead in her room. Surveillance showed that a mutant came in and killed her while changing their appearance to look like the dead nurse." Fury paused. He wasn't sure how anyone was able to break through his security but dealing with mutants was a whole different story. You could never know what they were capable of. "I was too late to stop them from taking Rogers and Barnes." He spoke quieter. He knew he had failed them. Even though Steve and he had a rough start, Fury did care about his team. The loss was harder than anyone knew. "As for the mystery man, we can only assume that he is also a mutant."

"Hydra?" Natasha asked. She hoped that there would be a possibility that there was an easier option.

Fury pulled up an image of the mystery man and zoomed in on his shoulder. The Hydra emblem was revealed making Natasha purse her lips in agitation. She then stormed to the door. 

"Be careful Natasha." Fury couldn't watch another agent get taken, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to stop Natasha from going after them. Natasha pauses her steps as she listened to Fury speak. "I can't lose you too."

Natasha turned her head slightly about to speak but stopped herself. She knew she should stay, but she promised herself she would help Steve and Bucky. If Hydra has their hands on the super soldiers, then they may not make it to see another day or worse be Hydra’s new experiment. She had to think quick. Tony was not an option. He was already struggling with issues with the government and the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D. Asking for his help may complicate the process and may open hidden secrets of the winter soldier. She couldn’t allow Tony to know the truth. Tony would misunderstand and go after Bucky.

“May I be of assistance?” The professor sat in his wheelchair observing for a long time. He understood the predicament Fury and his team were in and was slowly learning of Hydra and their motives. 

“How so, professor?” Fury asked and moved his good eye to watch the professor closely.

“First, I can tell you that this mystery man is not a mutant. The woman in the infirmary was indeed a mutant.” The professor looked to his colleague to his left. “What is your say on this, Logan?”

Logan had watched the videos very closely. He didn’t recognize the mystery man or his talents, but he recognized that he was old fashioned like him. “Whoever it is, he’s been around.” He replayed the video of the soldiers fighting together against the mystery man. He paused at the frame of the man running Bucky off the platform. “He knows his motives and has the strength to back it up.” He turns to everyone and points at the monitor of the man. “This guy is far more enhanced then your pals here.” Everyone agreed. “Something tells me that Hydra has more fire power then we let on. Mutants have been experimented on for some time, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they found a way to enhance a regular person.”

“Like Stryker.” The professor proclaimed.

“We had a run in with Stryker and his mutant experiments. This could be his work or collaborated in it in some way.” Logan walked back to the professor’s left. “We need to get the team together for this.”

The professor nodded to Logan then turned to Fury. “This man. Bucky was it? He’s suffering with Hydra’s programming.”

Fury nodded back. “Yes. We are afraid he may turn back to their weapon or kill himself trying to fight it. It may be too late now that Hydra has their hands on him.”

The professor rolled his chair close to the monitors. “If this is the same programming as Ms. Romanoff had endured then I would be able to help him. If it was from a mutant, then it may be trickier.”

Natasha stepped closer to the professor. “I can assure you it’s the same programming. He has all the signs.”

The professor stayed silent for a moment to consider his options. “I will call the rest of the X-Men and have them ready. I will need to return to my estate.” The professor planned to inverse Cerebro to help try and locate Bucky. It was going to be a little trickier for him, but he was willing to try. They had been testing Cerebro in new ways and after Mystique and Magneto had inversed it once, the professor decided to use this advantage to seek out more than just mutants. The professor looked to Logan, who nodded in understanding, then to the others. “Shall we?”

\------------------------------------

The pain in Bucky's head was excruciating. He awoke from a nightmare screaming in pain and finally realized that he was only dreaming of the memories of his time as the Winter Soldier. He hated remembering how emotionless he used to be. The Winter Soldier didn't care who he killed. Innocent men, women, and children tainted his hands all in Hydra’s name. It made his stomach churn.

He was alone in the pitch black room. Bucky’s enhanced vision confirmed that he was in the same room as when he last awoken. He vaguely remembered Steve choking the life out of him and repeated the incident in his mind over and over not knowing if what had happened was even real. Steve would have never touched him that way. But for all Bucky knew, Hydra had erased his memories and turned him into a cold-blooded killer. They were sick and twisted enough to turn Steve into whoever they wanted. Bucky felt his chest tighten at the thought and swallowed back a whimper. Bucky was lucky to break free of Hydra's programming when he did. He only wished he hadn’t been so stubborn in taking up Steve’s offer. Bucky closed his eyes. Steve didn't deserve this. All Steve ever wanted was to stop the war and be at peace. He began to remember.

\---------------------------------------

"What are your plans after we go home? IF we even beat these guys?" Bucky asked with a small chuckle. He was exhausted and felt very relaxed. Steve and Bucky had been on duty for the night and they laid sprawled out in the field watching the stars glint high in the dark sky of France. No one had electricity where they were stationed so the sky was sparkling with millions of tiny lights. The sight had taken their breathe away. The boys never seen this back at home.

He turned to watch Steve think. After a long moment of watching Steve fight for the right answer, he said, "I don't know. Maybe I could finally find a nice dame, get a cozy place outside New York City, and settle down." Steve didn't seem too sure. He turned to look at Bucky trying to smile, but Bucky could see right through it. Steve was never confident enough to see himself settling down with a family. They both use to speak of “what ifs” back at home and it always ended with Steve reminding Bucky of his bad luck in health issues. He would tell Bucky how he wouldn’t be able to live long enough, and it scared the shit out of him. Bucky wanted Steve to be by his side until they were old and ready to be in their death beds together. Now that Steve was strong and healthy, he had dames left and right trying to get his attention, but Steve only had eyes for Peggy Carter. It made Bucky jealous, but he had no choice in the matter. If Steve found someone, why would Bucky have any say in it. She was perfect for him: Strong, independent, and beautiful. It wasn’t hard to see that she also had eyes for Steve. 

"We're going to win this. We've already got Red Skull and Zola scurrying with their tails between their legs. There's no way we’re 'gonna lose now." Bucky assured. He didn't want to give up hope for the sake of Steve. They came a long way and it'd be dumb to stop now.

"What about you? What are your plans?" Steve asked curiously. 

It wasn't like Bucky to talk of his future. Lately, he seemed too focused on the present. He took the moment to really think. He didn’t really see himself settling down. He loved life and his family as it is. "I don' know. I guess I could settle down. I never really gave it much thought." He looked at Steve. "Hopefully I can find the right girl."

Steve couldn't believe his ears. He stared Bucky. "You seriously just said that?"

"What?" Bucky wasn't sure what Steve was implying.

"Bucky, you can get any girl in Brooklyn without even trying." Steve gave a small laugh. 

Steve didn’t need to know that he wasn’t truly interested in any of those dames. He tried to fall for them. He really did, but all of them were the same. It wasn’t their fault but his own. He wanted something he couldn’t have. He looked at Steve as he imagined what it would be like to be in a world with no worries of who you loved. No judgement. No hate. But that was a world he would never be in. He cared about Steve and it scared the shit out of him. He didn’t know if Steve cared for him the same way, but there were times where he would catch Steve being hesitant as he would reach for him when Bucky would get lost in his own mind. His favorite was when Steve would hold his face and lightly caress it while whispering promises he wasn’t sure he could keep. Bucky knew he was afraid for him. Steve wouldn’t say it aloud, but he wanted Bucky to go back home. But Bucky had to be by his side. He wanted so much for Steve to stay safe so that one day Steve could hold him whenever he pleases. Being near Steve is the only time Bucky really felt safe since he was saved from Zola.

Bucky made a weary smile and looked away. "I know, but they're all the same. I'm looking for a particular type." 

Steve nodded in understanding. He knew what Bucky meant. He may have every woman in Brooklyn after him, but Bucky was still alone. He hadn't found his soulmate.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Bucky held his head tightly as a shot of pain coursed through his skull. He screamed into the room with rage. He had enough! Hydra had no right to torture him for remembering who he was. He rolled off the bed and stumbled toward the door. A screen illuminated the room and he tried focusing on it. After staring for what felt like hours, he threw himself toward it. He never seen this technology. When he touched it, a scan pulled up. He sighed. It was enforced by fingerprint security. He needed supplies to override the scan. He looked around the room and couldn’t see anything of use. All the room had was a bed in the middle with a cement frame. To his right was an open archway that led to a bathroom. Inside, there was an open shower, a metal sink built into the cement wall, and metal toilet. To his left was an empty open space. 

He recognized this room. This room was set up like his old cell. Before, there was no need for any extra furnishings when all they would need him to do was rest, exercise, eat and go on missions. He wasn’t allowed any form of communication to the outside world. He wasn’t even allowed a book to pass time. Any information he was given was implanted before missions to ensure he had all the resources he needed to be able to finish his task. It was a need to know basis. No questions asked. He recalled his time spending most of his waiting staring at the walls lost in his own mind. It had resulted in him reaching thoughts and ideas that went against Hydra. They weren’t fond of that so instead of letting him wait in a room, they started putting him in cryostasis between missions. This assured that he didn’t have a chance to go fight against his programming. Once he was given his programming, he was focused on his mission. In D.C., Pierce had rushed the programming and planned to decommission the winter soldier once the Project Insight was up and running. He felt the winter soldier was no longer in need once Zola’s algorithm was set. Thankfully, the mission failed, and Steve was there to help Bucky fight the programming. It was rough at first. The latest programming was sloppy and gave Bucky’s mind an opportunity to recollect memories and thoughts. This made it easier for Steve to open his mind to who he used to be. As a result, he is having complications that is giving him the seizures and headaches. At first, Bucky had doubted that Steve was telling the truth, but learned that for years Hydra had lied to him stating he was volunteered for his work. During his time with Hydra, he had fought the idea, but they had many years to figure out how to keep him obedient. They made sure he was afraid of the consequences of resisting them. Now, he was confident and able to resist Hydra’s lies. 

He wiped at his nose as he felt a trickle. He paused as he stared at the blood on his hand. He knew it wasn't a good sign. Between the throbbing in his head and the constant nose bleeds, he worried the programming was going to kill him if he didn’t find a way to get rid of it. If they plan to do it to Steve, then Bucky will do what he must do to save him. Even if it means killing him. 

Bucky gasped at the thought. Kill Steve? No, he can't. Can he? Although he was programmed to, his heart screamed at him. He couldn’t possibly want him dead. Steve fought to get Bucky back. It wasn’t fair to just take his life away without his consent. But would Steve want Hydra to control his mind? 

"So much is going through that beautiful mind of yours."

Bucky shivered as he heard the familiar voice. He slowly looked up at the screen and saw an outline of a face smiling at him. It was a face he would never forget. "Zola."

"Ah yes. You are remembering so well. I'm sure the pain has been very discomforting." The outline smiled. "I was sad to hear you had drifted from our people. I had worked so hard to make you perfect." 

Bucky could hear the pounding in his ears from his blinding fury. He hated this man so much. It was because of him his life was taken. Bucky lifted his metal fist ready to strike when Zola interrupted his thoughts. "How does it feel to have your dear Steven with you again?"

Bucky stared at the screen in disbelief. He wasn't sure what Zola was implying, but the way he said it sent chills down his spine from the familiarity. He tried to grasp what could have been. Images flashes of Zola giving him a newspaper showing an article of Captain America crashed into the sea. He remembered reading that Steve had died and the anguish he felt at losing him. Bucky had denied the information, but, as always, Zola had proven to Bucky it wasn’t a lie. He had given up his fight and that gave Hydra the chance to take his mind. They figured out how much he cared about Steve and his hopes on Steve finding him. 

"Let him go. You have me back...just...let him go!" 

Zola smiled hearing how broken Bucky was. Bucky didn't want them to hurt Steve. Not ever. 

"I'm afraid I am unable to do so. You see, Steven will be part of our new program. He is more perfect than you ever were." Zola explained. "Do you like our new asset, Sergeant Barnes?"

Flashes of his encounter with Steve earlier came to mind and his breath grew shaky. Zola continued "He has taken a liking in you. You were to be killed, but he insisted he had you for himself. "

"You’re going to pay for this." Bucky was so angry that tears threatened to escape. They turned Steve into an emotionless killer. He doesn’t know if he can bring Steve back. 

"I think you have more important things to worry about." Zola smirked.

Blinded by fury, Bucky smashed his metal fist into the screen repeatedly. When he finally had his fill, he watched as the glass shards dropped to the floor. Bucky wished Zola could feel pain. He knew he no longer had a body, but someday he would find a virus to delete Zola’s conscious in the network. He was going to find a way to destroy Zola once and for all. But first, Bucky needed to find Steve and get them both out. He wasn’t going to let Hydra use them as their puppets. 

The lights flicker on and Bucky recoiled. His eyes tried adjusting when he heard the locks on the door release and took a defensive stance. It was now or never. Getting out of here to find Steve is all he would focus on. As the door opened, Bucky was ready to pounce when he halted his steps at the sight of Steve standing at the doorway. He wore a custom black tactical suit most Hydra spies wore. It accented his body very well as if it was made for him. Although, it was strange to see Steve wear this. Bucky remembered the high profile tactical suits he wore in the past. He would have never imagined Steve going stealth. He had to admit that he did look good in his new attire. 

Bucky breathed out in relief and relaxed. Steve stood watching him. He looked worn like he used to look when he’d just gotten done with a mission. Memories flooded Bucky’s mind. After their missions with the Howling Commandos, Steve would fight to the point of exhaustion and Bucky would have to make him rest before the next opportunity of going after Hydra. Bucky shook the memories away and stood ready. This wasn’t the Steve he knew. This is the Steve Hydra brainwashed.

Steve dipped his head and looked at Bucky through his long lashes. He saw how vulnerable Bucky was and gave a hint of a side smirk. His eyes dropped to the shards on the floor and he nodded his head in disapproval. "We can't have that now. You break my toys and I'll have to punish you." His smile grew wider.

"Steve, listen. They're controlling you... " 

Steve interrupted Bucky by grabbing his throat. "How many times do I need to say it?" His eyes grew furious. "I'm...not...Steve." 

Steve closed the distance between him and Bucky, but Bucky had other plans. He kneed up into Steve’s groin making him release his hold on Bucky. When his body smashed into Steve it was unmoving. He looked up at Steve in shock. His strength had changed. Steve grabbed Bucky by the hair and threw him back. Bucky scrambled to his feet while Steve slammed the door shut. Bucky ran to him and Steve grabbed his arm and spiraled them both until he was able to lock Bucky’s metal arm behind his back. Bucky struggled against the hold and bashed the back of his skull into Steve’s face. Surprised, Steve released his hold and furiously stared at Bucky. He then grabbed Bucky by the head and threw him across the room. Bucky flipped himself up quickly. He could tell Steve was fighting sloppy. He seemed to be enjoying watching Bucky try and be his match. Bucky wasn't backing down now. "God dammit Steve!"

Steve laughed then eyed Bucky up and down lustfully. He walked towards Bucky. "Stubborn, aren't we?"

Bucky had no choice but use his metal arm to throw a punch at Steve. He struck hard enough that it wouldn’t damage him, but enough that it could knock some sense into him. When metal met Steve's cheekbone, he pulled back. Steve stood there as if unfazed by the impact. Bucky's mind raced. He didn't know what to do. Steve had gained such strength that not even Bucky's metal arm could stop him. "Shit." 

The fury in Steve's eyes made Bucky fear for his life. He was more sinister than Bucky ever was. His stare was death and anyone who witnessed it would feel his wrath. 

Steve grabbed Bucky's metal arm and twisted it behind him, making Bucky slam against his hard chest. He pulled harder and Bucky felt the tug of skin ripping away from the metal. He yelped as the pain grew more intense as Steve pulled more tightly. Steve's hot breath was on his neck and he stood still. "I like it when you're rough." Steve licked the sweat from Bucky's neck. "But you need to know your place. You're not to speak of Steve again or I'll make you suffer for it. Understand?"

Bucky kept silent. Steve or not, he wasn't going to be controlled. "Screw you."

Bucky felt Steve's smile against his neck. His hot breath sent chills throughout his body. He closed his eyes and fought the burning in his arm. Steve started pulling him back and Bucky tried pushing away, but the grip on his arm grew tighter. He bit his tongue to stop the pained yell as the skin felt as if it was ready to tear from the arm. He had no choice, but to follow. Steve turned him to the shower wall and slammed his chest into it. Bucky felt Steve's body pressed hard up against him. What made it worse was the feel of Steve's hard groin against his spine. He began to slowly rut against him and Bucky had to stifle a moan. Bucky didn't know what to think. Hydra wasn't cruel enough to turn Steve this sadistic, could they? 

"I’m in a mood for a shower. I had a very uneventful mission.” He hummed into Bucky’s ear. “I couldn't keep my mind away from thinking of you naked against me." Bucky squeeze his eyes shut and grit has teeth as he bit his earlobe." Since Hydra has deemed you useless, I found it best that you be my toy now. Can't let them throw you out." He inhales Bucky's scent. "God you smell so good. I've dreamt of you for so long. I'm going to hear you scream when I'm finished with you."

Bucky's mouth was open in disbelief. How could Hydra change him this easily. This is not Steve. Steve would never talk this way. "Please...stop." 

"Oh no. You're going to feel me. I'm going to tear you apart from the inside out." Steve placed his free hand on Bucky's waist and slowly moved it over his abdomen. He pushed his fingers slowly inside his waistband and Bucky automatically pushed himself hard against the wall, not wanting Steve's hand invading him, but Steve was much too strong. He felt the tips of Steve's finger brush across Bucky's pelvic. Bucky's breathing grew heavier and he squeezed his eyes shut. This wasn’t really happening. He can’t let this happen.

He grabbed Steve's arm and tried pulling his hand out. "S-stop. Please." When he realized Steve was not letting loose, tears fell. Bucky wanted to get away from this. This isn’t how he wanted Steve. He wanted his Steve back.

Bucky let in a sharp inhale as Steve lightly grazed his tip. Steve smiled at his reaction. He whispered in his ear. "How long has it been since someone has touched you like this?" Steve waited for an answer and when he was given none he reached down more and grabbed Bucky’s balls as he inhaled Bucky's neck. 

Bucky clawed at his hand to stop like a desperate child wanting something out. It only encouraged Steve to squeeze his balls. He couldn't stop the tears from spilling out. It was too much. "I don't want this."

"You're not allowed to want. You were programmed to obey." Steve hissed. Bucky squeezed his wrist tighter as a plea to stop. This encouraged Steve to move to his shaft and slowly move against it. He smiled as Bucky grunted. "Seems you want this."

Bucky shook his head in disagreement. This wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Steve back. He wanted to be away from Hydra. He wanted to go home. He wanted all this nightmare to just stop. Bucky's mind was breaking. It was just too much. All the pain and torture from Hydra and now this. They weren't supposed to take Steve away. Bucky sure, but Steve didn't deserve this. Steve was light. Steve was pure. He did nothing to become this. Hydra has tainted him and it's all because Bucky let Hydra win. 

Bucky's knees grew weak and he started to slide down. Steve followed as he kept stroking Bucky's shaft. He enjoyed the reaction. Bucky grew hard, making his pants tighter for him to stroke. He smiled at the thought of knowing how hard he made Bucky. He knew Bucky wouldn’t deny this.

"No..." Bucky moaned. Hot tears gushed out and all Bucky could do was lay numb against the wall. He couldn’t deny that it didn’t feel good. His body was giving in. 

Steve released Bucky's arm and curled his arm under Bucky's. He pulled him up to his feet and released his hold on Bucky’s cock. He turned Bucky to face him and the sight of Bucky made him hard. Bucky’s face was flushed deeply with tear stained cheeks. As Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and turned away, Steve felt a pain in his chest. He wasn't sure why. He was made not to feel. What was it about this man? 

He turned on the water and stripped himself down then stood to watch Bucky. The water was hot against his skin. Bucky wasn’t responding as if in a daze, so he decided to strip Bucky. The feel of his soft skin made his groin stir. He looked into Bucky's eyes and saw how distant he was. He was no longer in this world. Steve's brows creased in concern. How was he going to enjoy if Bucky was closed off? He pushed Bucky harder against the wall and growled. "Look at me." 

Bucky chose not to listen. Whatever this Steve wanted he wasn’t going to have. His Steve would care what Bucky wanted. He wouldn’t force himself on him. 

"I said look at me, coward." Steve spats.

Bucky shot a glare at Steve. His metal hand grabbed at Steve's throat and squeezed as tight as he could, making the plates squeal. Steve could see the deep anger in his eyes and he couldn't help but smile. He slammed Bucky back against the wall and crashed his lips into him. He lusted for Bucky. It was an intense need burning inside him. Never has he felt this before. 

Bucky fought against him and tried prying him away. Each movement resulted in harsher kissing. Steve wanted Bucky badly, but Bucky wasn't giving in. Steve grabbed Bucky by the hair and sucked at his neck. "You're mine." He placed his free hand on Bucky's abs and trailed fingers slowly down. Bucky gasped and tried grabbing at him. He yelped as Steve pulled his neck at a harsh angle, so he tried squeezing his throat again. Steve’s breathing was rough. The tighter Bucky squeezed the more he wanted. 

"Get off me!" Bucky grabbed at Steve's arm with his metal hand and squeezed. Steve felt a sharp pain but did not show any hint of pain. Instead he only gave him a sinister smile. He slammed Bucky back with his rock-hard body and started to grind against him. Steve couldn't stop the moan that escaped his mouth. He grabbed his metal arm and looked into Bucky's eyes with want. That’s when he saw Bucky break. Bucky’s eyes were dark with yearning. Steve smiled knowing that he couldn’t resist. He slowly let go of Bucky’s hair and let Bucky lean his head down into Steve's shoulder.

Bucky silently whimpered. He knew Steve would hate himself more if he ever remembered this. "Please..."

Steve moved his face to Bucky's. "Give in to me." 

Bucky clenched his hand on Steve's arm. He hid his face away from Steve's. He didn't know this feeling, but he wanted to give in. Something primal in Steve’s voice made Bucky want to drop to his knees and let him take him. 

"Please..." Bucky wasn’t sure if he was begging for Steve to stop or begging for him to touch. Nothing made sense. He knew he was hard and wanting, but he still fought the idea. What if Steve didn’t want him this way? Why should Bucky give in to his selfish desires? Heat touched his neck and Bucky couldn’t stifle his moan. Maybe this one time wouldn’t hurt. 

Steve whispered to him, but Bucky was far too gone to know what he said. All he remembered was feeling their cocks rub against each other. He thinks he tried telling him to stop, but each time he spoke, Steve grew more intense with his touches. Bucky was drunk on it. When Steve kissed him, Bucky kissed back. Hydra was right. He was selfish. He always wanted Steve and now that Hydra has them both, they can change them to whoever they wanted them to be. Steve and Bucky: Hydra’s new assets. There is no going back. They always did know what Bucky’s weaknesses were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it hot in here or is it just me? 
> 
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Anyone going to see Infinity Wars? I am so excited. I haven't bought a ticket yet, but I will see it in theatres. I am so excited to see Sebastian in his new and improved self.


	9. No Longer Hydra's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally saw Infinity War and OMG I AM NOT OK!!!! My son loves Sebastian and (WARNING OF POSSIBLE SPOILER) he cried at the end of the movie. He asked me so many questions and I tried to answer as much as I could. He was definitely not ok. He does not agree with Thanos AT ALL. Feel free to message me what you think of the movie. What are your thoughts on it? What are your theories? I have quite a few, but I am not sure if it is linked to the comics or not, but I have an idea. 
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is going to be intense. I WARNED YOU!

Chapter 9 - No Longer Hydra’s

A jet slowly descends in a hidden door beneath the ground giving the trees a rush of wind in front of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. The X-Men team stand waiting as the doors open to reveal professor Xavier, Logan, and their guests, Fury and Natasha. The professor greets everyone and hurries to Cerebro where a small woman hides inside the console. 

“I see you have already started to work on the reverse program?” The professor asked as the woman slowly rose from her position. She had blue long hair and looked to be a teenager. Her clothes were baggy as if she was trying to hide her tiny self in them. She gave the professor a shy smile as she walked closer to him.

“Yes, professor. It isn’t quite ready, but we are making progress. Magneto was quite the genius when it came to this programming. I have to read more data before I can change anymore coding.” The woman shyly smiled again. She seemed very nervous, but confident in her work.

Natasha was amazed once she stepped into the room. Never had she seen such an extravagant piece of equipment. Everything around her felt as if she was in some sort of mind trap. The hacker in her couldn’t help wondering how the machine worked. “You use this to track mutants?”

The professor gave a smile. “Yes. Many years in fact. My goal was to track young humans and bring them here to help them be safe so that I may teach them how to control their abilities.”

Natasha nodded and continued to walk closer to the control panel to admire the tech. “How long before you’re able to track them?”

The professor could see that Natasha was very concerned for Steve and Bucky. In the years he had known her, she was very closed off and emotionless. Most of it was due to her conditioning with the KGB, but he had hoped then that he was able to give her a better life. Now, he was proud to see that he had succeeded. Natasha is more caring than he had ever imagined. 

The girl spoke up with excitement. “I should have it ready by tomorrow.”

The professor smiled and nodded to her. The girl responded back with a huge smile. She knew the professor was very proud of her and set back to finish her work. At that, the professor turned his chair to roll away while the others followed. “I believe she will do better than tomorrow.” 

Natasha turned to look back at the girl and smirked. She remembered her time as a young girl tinkering with computers and feeling the excitement when her superiors showed their approval. 

 

Bucky sat in the corner floor with his head in his hands. He sat for many hours contemplating what he had done. He felt so ashamed at himself for what he allowed himself to do. Of all the conditioning and programming Hydra had done to him, he wouldn’t have given in to such acts. Now that Steve is around, his walls fell, and he gave in to his urges he thought were long gone. He didn’t remember being this vulnerable before. When Steve and Bucky were young, it was hard to say no to Steve, but this was different. Before, he had better self-control. Now, his body and mind both betrayed him to do selfish acts that he knows Steve would not agree to. What was it about Steve that made him so vulnerable now? 

When he woke up, Steve was not in the room, but he was given the privilege to have the lights this time. He searched the room for any possible ways of escaping, but the room had proven to be inescapable. The scanner was still in shambles, but everything was ripped out, so he couldn’t tamper with it. The room was sealed tight with only those on the other side who could gain entry. He felt trapped. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and felt a trickle roll down his cheek. He wiped at it and stared at his wet fingers. He didn’t know why, but he started to laugh. He knew it wasn’t funny, but he just kept laughing. Everything seemed to crash down on him and he couldn’t fight it anymore. All the pain, all the hurt, came crashing on him at this very moment. He palmed his eyes as hard as he could to stop the tears from falling. After all these years of holding it in, his body gave up. He didn’t understand any of this. When he first started to gain emotions again, it was rough, but now that all his emotions are hitting him at once, it was agony. He sobbed for what felt like hours as he held himself as tight as he could. He didn’t want to go anywhere, but home. 

Home… 

He sobbed more at the realization that he had no home. All his family and friends were gone. His precious Steve was gone. How could he fail him now? He blamed himself for all that has happened. He couldn’t do anything right. Steve was always good at figuring things out. Why did it have to be Steve? 

Bucky’s mind was racing when the door slowly opened. Bucky was unaware of the presence standing next to him until a hand grabbed his hair and pulled his head back away from his knees. Bucky stared at Steve seeing emotionless eyes staring back. It only made him cry harder. Steve is gone. Hydra won.

“Look at you.” Steve said in disgust. Bucky kept staring and he couldn’t help but stare back. He could see such emotion behind those beautiful blue eyes. Those eyes spoke many words to him and he wanted so much. He wanted to touch. He wanted to taste. Before he realized it, Steve slowly inched closer to him. 

Bucky closed his eyes and waited, but Steve never touched him. All he felt was Steve’s hot breath on his lips, so he slowly opened his eyes. Steve’s eyes were closed. His eyebrows were furrowed as if he was fighting something internally. Bucky hoped he was remembering something, but when Steve opened his eyes he knew he was wrong. Steve’s eyes were dark with need. Bucky whined and suddenly went stiff knowing that would trigger Steve to misunderstand him. 

Steve gave him a smirk and hastily pulled Bucky’s legs apart. Bucky gasped and kept still so he wouldn’t tempt him anymore. Steve leaned close to his neck and blew on it. “I like you like this. Begging.” He growled by Bucky’s ear making him flutter his eyes closed. He smirked again. “You can’t deny me. “ 

Steve wrapped his free arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled him close until their groins touched. “There was always a deep yearning wasn’t there?”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. His body was betraying him again. He couldn’t let himself be vulnerable to him. This is what Hydra wants. Steve’s breath touched his neck close to his ear and his deep voice made Bucky’s groin stir. “You know you want me.”

Steve let go of his tight hold on Bucky’s hair and caressed the back of his skull. He pulled Bucky closer to his chest, who seemed very willing. He kept caressing and halted as Bucky started to sob again. Steve closed his eyes in irritation. “What happened to my Winter? You used to be the best. Now look at you.”

Bucky stayed very quiet. He didn’t know if Steve even cared, but if he could at least make him realize that Hydra was their enemy then maybe they could get out of this together still. “Hydra took everything from me.”

“You are no longer Hydra’s weapon.” He felt Bucky stiffen at that and he continued with a smirk. “You belong to me.”

Bucky pulled away until their faces were close to touching and looked in Steve’s eyes. He sensed a hidden meaning behind those words. He knew Hydra claimed everything so to hear Steve say this meant that there was something he was missing. 

Steve crashed his lips into Bucky’s as he grabbed a handful of his hair. Bucky tried pushing away, but his hold was too strong. Steve dipped lower to his neck until lips touched his pulse and started to suck. A moan escaped Bucky and Steve smiled. He knew how badly Bucky kept fighting his urges. Bucky couldn’t deny his feelings for him. He nipped at his neck then licked down to his clavicle. He could feel Bucky’s pulse race as he trailed his hot breath back up his neck. His groin wanted to explode at the noises Bucky was making. He tasted like salt and smelled of sweat. He couldn’t hold back any longer. Finally, he grabbed at Bucky’s waist and kneaded at his hip as he rutted against him. Bucky couldn’t hold back the moans anymore. He was drunk with ecstasy. Steve pulled out Bucky’s aching hard cock and stroked it slowly. Bucky gasped and stared in Steve’s eyes pleading for him to stop, but it just made Steve stroke quicker. Steve was lost in the pleasure and there was no way to bring him back to reality.

Steve manhandled him down the floor until he was towering over him and started to aggressively yank his pants off. Bucky tried grabbing at his hands, but it only made Steve growl in irritation at him. “Please Steve…don’t do this.” Bucky quietly begged. His mind was clouded, and he wasn’t sure he even believed his own words. Steve flicked his wrist making Bucky arch his back and their groins touch. He felt his body shiver with need. He knew he couldn’t hold back any longer. This was Steve. He always wanted Steve. Steve latched onto his nipple and Bucky couldn’t help but grab at his hair. He hadn’t felt this good in a very long time. Steve slowly moved down sucking on his abs while Bucky held his hair tightly. When Steve peeked up at Bucky, he smirked wondering if Bucky even knew the sounds he was making. He trailed further down until his mouth reached close to Bucky’s groin. Bucky hastily arched up and Steve had to push him back down. He pulled Bucky’s other hand to his pull at his hair like the other and positioned himself to tower over Bucky’s hard leaking cock. Bucky opened his eyes wide as Steve’s hot tongue started to lick up his shaft. Bucky didn’t know if he could hold it in any longer. His body was shaking uncontrollably at the sensation. He knew he had to stop this, but he just couldn’t do it. He wanted more. 

Steve licked and sucked Bucky’s shaft wanting to hear more of Bucky’s beautiful sounds. The more he pleasured him the louder Bucky got. He finally grabbed Bucky’s cock and took him in his mouth deep and dirty. Bucky screamed as he arched up into Steve’s throat. Steve sucked hard as he played with Bucky’s balls. Bucky couldn’t keep himself in control, so Steve had to finally hold him down. As he peered up at Bucky, Bucky looked back at him. Steve loved how he looked. Bucky’s mouth hung wide open as he kept making those sweet sounds. His hands grasped at Steve’s head as if not knowing what else to do but plead for more. Steve kept sucking until he felt Bucky tremble and finally let off. Bucky dropped his body to the ground but kept his hands tight in Steve’s hair. Steve moved slowly up to his lips and kissed him deeply. He just couldn’t stop tasting him. He moved his cock on top of Bucky’s and grabbed them both. Bucky moaned into his mouth while squeezing his eyes closed. He couldn’t help but yearn for the feeling of Steve’s cock on his. Steve stroked them both as he kept tasting his mouth. When Bucky’s breath quickened, Steve knew he was close. He sped up and Bucky wrapped his arms around him pulling him closer. His moans grew louder as he held Steve tighter. Steve released Bucky’s lips and bit down on his shoulder as he spilled his semen all over Bucky. Bucky quickly moved his metal hand to Steve’s head, holding him tight against his neck and screaming in his ear as he finally released. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Bucky slowly opened his eyes not knowing how long time had passed. He was lying on the bed in the nude with Steve, also nude, laying on top of his chest. He closed his eyes as he fought back the tears that threatened to spill out from the deep shame that overcame him. What was wrong with him? 

He closed his eyes and listened to Steve’s breathing. Steve’s breathing was quiet and deep. He remembered doing this back when they shared an apartment. They shared a bed. It was easier for them to buy one to share so they could share the warmth during the winter months. Bucky was able to stay close enough to ensure Steve would be closely watched during the nights. In the summer, Steve use to have such a hard time breathing due to the humidity. Winter scared Bucky the most. Steve struggled with sickness. His lungs weren’t very strong, so they caught any virus imaginable. A simple cold lead to pneumonia. After he got the serum, Bucky was thankful that Steve didn’t have to suffer anymore. 

Flashback

Steve snuggled into Bucky’s side. Bucky watched Steve even though he knew he needed to rest for his long shift in the morning, but he had to keep Steve warm in the winter months. Steve would always be found laying on top of Bucky or snuggled in his arms. Bucky would have to pay close attention to his breathing to ensure his asthma wasn’t bothering him. They had medicines close by in case Steve would struggle breathing during the middle of the night. Bucky had gotten use to waking up at the slightest sound of Steve’s breathing changing. It irritated Steve, but he knew Bucky had good intentions. Bucky wondered if Steve was disgusted at this routine, but he didn’t ever seem put off by it. At first, Steve would make excuses to not need the warmth, but he always gave in with a smile. He knew Bucky meant well. What were friends for?

Bucky slowly moved his hand to Steve’s forehead to brush away the stray hair from his face. He couldn’t help smiling at how peaceful Steve looked. He was glad to be the one to look out for his best pal. He wanted so much for him. He wanted Steve to stay this way. To have Steve lay like this on his chest in a peaceful sleep. But alas, the world wouldn’t allow it. At least they had this moment.

 

Steve jolted awake as he felt Bucky convulse beneath him. He grabbed Bucky’s shoulders panicking at not knowing what had triggered Bucky to have a seizure. He had to wait it out. After what seemed like hours, Bucky finally went still. Steve held his head and checked for any damage. Blood seeped out of Bucky’s ears and nose. Steve forced one eye open and saw how blood shot it were. He checked over the rest of his body and found nothing. He sat for a moment to think and, when it dawned on him, he yelled at the ceiling and threw himself off the bed. He knew exactly what was causing the seizure. 

He threw on pants and picked up Bucky in a bridal style. He ran out of the room and headed to the infirmary. A man stood quickly and was shaking uncontrollably. “Whaaa…?” he shuddered. 

Steve laid Bucky on the table and glared at the doctor. “Get it out.”

The doctor looked at Bucky then back to Steve shaking his head. “I…I…don’t’ know…”

Steve wasn’t stupid. Hydra knew exactly what was in Bucky’s head. They put the device in there to ensure he wouldn’t disobey his orders during missions. “I SAID GET IT OUT!!!” Steve demanded. He knew the doctor was playing dumb, but Steve wasn’t having it. 

“They said I couldn’t! Please!?” The doctor pleaded as he dropped to the floor while Steve glared at him menacingly.

“I suggest you do as your told.” Steve inched closer to the doctor who scooted back. Hydra could train soldiers to be fearless, but they couldn’t train the doctors to be. Most of the time, the doctors were threatened in order to keep their allegiance. This doctor was weak and Steve knew he would get his way easily.

“But Hydra...”

Steve interrupted with a growl. “I am Hydra.”

“OK! I just need to get my supplies. We don’t have all the equipment in here.” The doctor scooted away and went to the equipment room across from them. He came back with many different syringes and tools. “I…I need you to flip him over.”

Steve did as he was told, and the doctor slowly drew closer to Bucky. He stuck a syringe in his neck and waited a moment. He put on some wires on Bucky’s back and a monitor lit up indicating Bucky’s pulse and oxygen level. As the doctor watched the screen, he looked back at Bucky and stuck another syringe in his neck and watched the monitor as the numbers dropped down. He glanced at Steve, who watched him attentively, then gulped as he went back to stare at the monitor. After the doctor was satisfied with the numbers, he pulled Bucky’s hair back and marked his neck. Steve growled, and the doctor almost dropped his tools at the sound. 

“What are you waiting for? Take the damn thing out!” Steve was growing more irritated at each second.

“This is a delicate procedure. In order to take the device out, I have to gain entry to the main chip in his nervous system that is connected to his brain. If I get to close I could damage…” Steve interrupted with a yell as he threw the table of tools to the floor and stormed to the doctor until he was backed into the wall. The doctor waited for the pain, but none came. He bravely peeked at Steve.

Steve was breathing heavily with his eyes closed tightly. “I could snap your neck at this very moment, but you are on a mission.” Steve opened his eyes as the doctor loudly gulped. “Your mission is to remove the device in his head or I will kill you slowly. Then I will find your family and I will kill them slowly.”

The doctor glanced at Bucky then back at Steve and nodded. He slowly moved away and back toward the tools lying on the floor and set the table back up. The doctor turned back to Bucky and grabbed a scalpel. He cut on the line, he made earlier, then opened the wound wide so he could get to work. 

Steve watched the doctor for any sudden changes in his movements. What seemed like hours, the doctor finally pulled a small chip out. The doctor turned to Steve with wide eyes. “It’s connected.”

“Then shut it off.” Steve was growing very impatient with the doctor.

The doctor stared for a moment. “It won’t be enough. The chip connected to his brain is linked to a programming and only Zola can stop the connections. This will only delay it for some time.” The doctor warned. 

Steve growled in irritation. Of course, Zola had to be part of the programming. He was the one who created it. “Delay it then and sew him back up.”

The doctor did as he was told and closed the wound. When he turned to place the tools down, Steve grabbed his head and snapped his neck. Steve let the limp doctor fall to the floor as he stared at Bucky laying motionless on the table. Bucky is his and he was going to ensure that he got what he wanted. He is no longer Hydra’s. He will get the programming out of Bucky’s head and take full control of Bucky’s mind himself. He didn’t need Hydra’s programming. He already had Bucky where he wanted him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little intense to rewrite. My original writing I had not written in depth of what was really going on, but I tried really hard to get the thoughts and feelings down between Steve and Bucky. What did you think???


	10. Zola

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am earlier than usual. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 10 – Zola

Steve stood in a dark room with a lonely green light glowing from a large television screen. He was summoned here after they found the dead doctor in the infirmary. He didn’t deny what he had done, but Hydra was not happy with his actions, so they sent him to Zola.

Zola was no longer a man. After his body was growing weaker with cancer, he found a way to download his mind into a computer so that he could live eternally. After his last breath, his artificial intelligence came to life. He believes he is the first Artificial Intelligence known to man until he found that Howard Stark’s son, Anthony Stark, had created his own. Zola stayed in the dark helping to plot the future with Hydra. He was the key to Hydra’s success. Only a few knew of his existence.

Zola’s face appeared on the screen and watched Steve quietly. Steve was ready for whatever Zola had in mind for him. He knew what he had done, and he wasn’t going to stop until he had what he wanted. Zola smiled. “You’ve broke protocol.”

Steve stayed silent. He knew Zola wanted him to show weakness, but he wasn’t weak like his former soldiers.

“Nothing to say?” Zola hummed and waited for any reaction from Steve, but Steve stood perfectly still. “I see.” A shape of a man stepped into the shadows. The body was covered in all black and seemed human, but Steve knew it wasn’t. It was Zola’s robotic body. He had enhanced it over the years and found vibranium to create an indestructible shell. The face lit up to a green screen with Zola’s face on it as the larger screen disappeared. The figure stepped closer to Steve and circled around him as it examined Steve’s physique. “You killed the doctor after you bargained for the winter soldier. Why?”

Steve turned to look at Zola. “What is it you want to hear?”

Zola chuckled at that. “It’s not what I want soldier. It’s what you want.” Zola hinted. Steve looked away unfazed by Zola’s words. Zola stepped closer to Steve. He didn’t fear the soldier like everyone else around him. He knew the soldier wouldn’t touch him. It wouldn’t have matter if he did because Zola was everywhere. You can give him a body and destroy him, but nothing could stop his mind. “When you first laid eyes on the Winter Soldier you claimed you could control him.”

“Yes.” Steve said proudly.

“How far have you gotten?” Zola stepped up close so that their chests were almost touching.

Steve exhaled loudly. Zola wanted him to hand over the Winter Soldier, but Steve had insisted he was able to control him. Steve knew the programming had failed for many years. Hydra didn’t deny that. The Winter Soldier proved to have a strong mind and with his quick healing abilities, his brain repaired itself after a certain amount of time. It had resulted in putting the Winter Soldier in cryostasis until they could find a way to permanently erase the memories. Zola was proud of his serum but ran into many obstacles in creating the soldier as his weapon. After a long period of time, Zola had run into many new opportunities and left the Winter Soldier in cryostasis until he was needed. The Winter Soldier would sometimes be asleep for many years before he was let out into the world again. It made it easier as the world changed around him. Triggers weren’t as easily made. Not until S.H.I.E.L.D. announced that Captain America was found alive. Zola had warned Alexander Pierce that using the soldier during Project Insight would create an obstacle. He knew the soldier would meet Captain America during the mission at some point, but Pierce was cocky and had rushed the project not caring how precious the mind of the soldier was. He believed the new programming was fit for the soldier to face the Captain. He didn’t seem to care for the soldier. Of course, Pierce was wrong. The soldier remembered the Captain and Project Insight failed. But Zola wasn’t about to get rid of his hard work over one mission. The soldier had potential and could be used for many things. The soldiers blood flowed with Zola’s serum. Zola wanted to find better ways to create the serum and create an army for Hydra. But Steve wanted to prove to Zola that he could control the soldier without the programming. It had interested Zola to see the new bond and how far he could accomplish it.

Steve wasn’t having it. “He proved to be a bit more difficult than planned, but it seems the chip is giving complications. Perhaps you could deprogram it so that I can knock some sense into him.” Steve smirked. 

Zola stood watching him closely. He knew Steve was up to something but contemplated if he should let Steve have his way. Deprogramming the Winter Soldier wasn’t going to affect him or Hydra. The programming was already a failure. “And how do you plan to knock some sense into him?”

Steve smiled. “You saw how he reacts around me. I can control his feelings. Just imagine what more I could do.”

“And the doctor?” Zola was very interested in his explanation of why Steve killed the doctor. His protocol was to not harm any Hydra personnel. It wasn’t like him to break protocol. There was something Steve wasn’t telling him.

“He was already a lost cause.” Steve explained.

“Is that so? Do enlighten me.” If Zola could show his smile he would. The monitor could only show so much emotion. It was best this way, so others would fear him more.

“He failed Hydra by giving into my demands.” 

Zola nodded at that. Steve was hiding the truth still. Something is changing in the soldier and Zola was curious to see how far this game will go. “No. You killed the doctor because he couldn’t complete his bargain. What is it about Sergeant Barnes? Are you feeling for the first time soldier?”

 

Steve grew stiff, but kept his mouth shut. Zola couldn’t know his thoughts, but Zola wasn’t stupid. He could read people before they even knew what they were thinking.

“It’s ok soldier. I helped create your mind. I know there are flaws. Would you like to know a secret?” Zola asked. Steve was curious, but he was worried it was a trick. Zola lowered his voice. “During my time with Sergeant Barnes, he would beg for his Steve. He proved to be a challenge in fact. He truly believed Steve was going to save him. He never spoke of it, but he had feelings for him.”

Steve cringed. He didn’t know who or what he was, but whoever Bucky wanted wasn’t him. His mind was in fact created by Zola. To be anything like Captain America would cause problems for Hydra. He was created to be the exact opposite. “I’m not Steve.” 

“No. You are not. You are better.” Zola stepped away. “You are perfect. Your mind and your body are mine, but if you prove to be against your allegiance then I will have to wipe your mind and start over. I control you. If you have doubts, then you are to come to me and only me. If you have desires, then I can fulfill them. Do you desire the Winter Soldier?” Zola asked. He waited patiently as Steve stayed silent. He could see Steve struggling to answer. “You aren’t afraid, are you?”

That triggered Steve to look at Zola. “No.”

“Then tell me, what it is about the Winter soldier you desire?” Zola knew he had him. He could see Steve still fight internally at what he should do.

“I feel….” Steve stopped. He knew if he spoke of it, they would wipe him.

“Go on.”

He closed his eyes. Zola wasn’t dumb. He already knew from the start of this conversation that Steve was hiding something. If he had to be wiped, then so be it. “I feel a need...a need to control him. Something inside me says that he’s mine.” He opened his eyes and looked at Zola. He was ready for whatever Hydra was going to do to him now.

Zola thought on his words and found that his honesty was more of an opportunity then a weakness. “That he shall be yours.” Zola said. Steve was confused so Zola continued. “You are to claim the Winter Soldier and make him obedient to you. If he believes you are his Steve, then he will follow you till death. I suggest you use that as your incentive.”

Steve felt himself relax. This wasn’t what he expected. He wasn’t aware of all the tension he held until now. Zola was taking things into his own hands. He was the oldest of Hydra and helped start it. It made sense for him to lead it, but there was someone else out there calling the shots. He didn’t know who, but they kept Hydra alive for many years, but anyone would be dumb to wipe Zola from the organization. He had Hydra secrets. Zola wouldn’t say who. Steve didn’t know Zola’s intentions, but he knew he had a part in it. That was why he created him. Zola wanted to be on top. 

He looked at Zola and smirked. He had a duty and if he can have what he wanted then he didn’t need to worry about Hydra controlling him. Zola was all he needed to follow. “Oh, I will. He will be begging to stay.”

 

Steve stood watching Bucky as he slept on their bed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off him. The way Bucky would breathe during his slumber, the way his eyelids moved when he dreamed of who knows what, and the way his body looked as he laid with only soft loose pants. His eyes trailed down Bucky’s face admiring the sweet curves. The long stubble grew into a beard after many weeks of neglect. It suited him with his long locks. Steve had left his stubble, so he could grow a beard to match. He loved how intoxicating it felt when Bucky’s rubbed against him. He wanted to give that same effect with his own. He drew closer as his eyes trailed down the curves of Bucky’s neck. He could see Bucky’s pulse and he couldn’t help but lick his lips as his thoughts raced of how he wanted to tear into him. He closed his eyes imagining all the dirty acts he could do to Bucky, but he wanted to wait. Bucky needed to heal enough so that he could enjoy the feel of Steve’s hot lips on him. He continued his examination until his eyes reached his chest. Bucky’s skin was smooth. He wasn’t scarred as badly as Steve had thought. Hydra had tortured him for many years, but his serum proved to repair his body quite nicely. The only indication of scarring was around his metal arm. Steve knew Bucky had been shot, cut, whipped, and experimented on. It’s a relief that he didn’t show the scars on the outside, but inside was a different story. Hydra ensured their weapon understood the consequences. His mind could only handle so much. 

Steve placed a gentle hand on Bucky’s clavicle and slowly trailed it down to his abdomen. Bucky was so perfect. He stroked his fingers around his ab muscles and Bucky stirred. Steve paused waiting to see what Bucky would do, but all Bucky did was shift and fall back to sleep. Steve smiled seeing how relaxed Bucky was. He must feel safe with Steve around. Thoughts of Zola’s secret came to mind and he frowned. Bucky wanted his Steve. He wasn’t that Steve, but perhaps he could change that want. Bucky hasn’t denied his feelings knowing that his Steve was gone, but he still saw his Steve when he looked at him. No matter how many times he stated that he was not Steve, Bucky still hoped that his Steve would come back. Maybe this would be his incentive. If he lets Bucky believe he is Steve, then he would follow him. Steve bent down and pressed his lips gently to Bucky’s. He lightly licked Bucky’s lips just to get a taste. He would wait until he was fully healed. He plans to train Bucky and ensure he was obedient to only him. Hydra won’t be able to stop him.

Bucky dreamed of long forgotten memories. If any dreams were of Steve, he held onto them, so he couldn’t forget again. He felt so happy when he was with Steve. Steve was once small but thankfully grew healthy from Erskine’s serum. Bucky loved him either way. He forgot how strong his love was until now. It’s no wonder he could never deny Steve when he was close. He has always wanted Steve. Even if Hydra has them, he would stay with Steve until they both find a way out. He would find a way to bring Steve’s memories back or he would open Steve’s eyes to what Hydra really was. As long as he is with Steve, he would protect him. Hydra will not stop him. 

But for now Bucky just wanted to remember his Stevie…

 

Steve and Bucky had finished their debriefing and were heading back to their tent. Each had their own tent to share with one of the Commandos and they knew Steve and Bucky would share one. They were inseparable. 

As they entered the tent, Bucky looked at Steve. Steve was worn but tried hiding it. If Bucky didn’t look closely he wouldn’t have caught it. He knew the serum was amazing, but Steve still needed to rest. “Hey Stevie. Why don’t you clean up and get some rest?”

Steve turned to look at him. “I can’t yet, Buck. I need to strategize our next move. We are so close…”

Bucky interrupted. “Godammit Steve!” Anger boiled in Bucky and he couldn’t hold it any longer. For weeks Steve had run himself to the ground and Bucky had caught Steve slowing down on the battlefield. He needed to get Steve to listen to him for once. “You need to rest.”

Steve wasn’t ready for this now. He just wanted Bucky to understand. He couldn’t let anyone get hurt anymore. He wanted to the world safe from people like Hydra. He wanted Bucky safe. “No. Buck…”

“Yes!” Bucky interrupted again. After all the years of trailing behind him and making sure he doesn’t get his ass beat, Bucky wasn’t going to back down on his argument. “Just listen to me for once.”

Steve kept his mouth shut as he fought to argue back, but he saw how this was eating at Bucky. Ever since he saved Bucky from Zola’s table he had been so quiet. Now, Bucky is speaking his mind and Steve couldn’t deny him that. “Ok Buck. What is it?”

Bucky heavily exhaled and continued. “You can’t run yourself down to the ground. I know you are enhanced and feel all high and mighty…”

“Buck….”

“No Steve! I said listen!” Bucky was getting aggravated. Steve needed to hear this or he would blow up on him at the wrong moment. He was just so scared. He didn’t want anything to happen to Steve. “I get it. You can do something for the world, but who said it had to be you to do all the dirty work?”

“No one did, Bucky. I chose this.” 

Bucky stared at him in disbelief. “Are you serious?” Bucky shook his head. He couldn’t believe what Steve was saying. “No Steve. This.” Bucky waved his hands up and down at Steve “This is not you.” He stepped closer to Steve until their faces were too close for comfort. “I told you I am not following Captain America. I’m following you.”

Steve cringed at his words. Did he really let his head get too far in it? “Bucky.”

“I know you want to fix the world, but you can’t destroy yourself trying. You asked me to be here and I accepted.” Steve looked away at that. “I accepted because I knew you would do this. Your so god damn selfless and I can’t see you get yourself killed over some dumb Hydra scum.” Bucky couldn’t stop the words pouring out of him. He was so angry and hurt. He just wanted to go home with Steve and go back to their old lives again. “You act like you ain’t got nothin’ to lose. Well guess what pal? There are people who actually care about your dumb ass.”

Steve quickly turned back to look at Bucky when he heard the crack in his voice. Bucky’s eyes were red from fighting back the tears. He never seen him cry and his chest hurt just seeing him like this. Steve didn’t realize that this was tearing Bucky apart. Bucky cared about Steve enough to protect him. Bucky had lost so much and now he chose to stay with Steve, so he couldn’t lose anymore. “Bucky, I’m sorry.”

Bucky shook his head and laughed. “You’re sorry. That’s all you got ta say?”

“No Bucky. I meant I’m sorry I didn’t see it.” 

Bucky stepped back at Steve’s response. He wasn’t sure what he meant by that. He was afraid that Steve understood how much he cared. Did Bucky make it obvious for his attraction for Steve?

Steve placed his strong hands on Bucky’s shoulders and squeezed. “You’re all I got left Buck. I’m doing this, so we can go home and have our lives again. I don’t give a damn about Captain America. I promise after we stop Red Skull and Zola we will go home.”

“Do you mean it?” Bucky couldn’t stop the emotion in his voice. He really wanted this to be over. He was just so tired.

“Yea Buck. I mean it. No more wars. No more fighting. We are going to find us some dames and get that house with a white picket fence just like we talked about. We will be next door neighbors even.” Bucky softly chuckled at that. “I mean it Buck. After this, no more.” He pulled Bucky to him and wrapped his arms tightly as he hugged him then whispered in his ear, “I promise.”

Bucky closed his eyes and let the tears fall. He wrapped his arms around Steve and held him just as tight. He wanted to stay like this forever and never let go, but it ended too soon. As Steve stepped away, he watched Bucky for a moment. Bucky was strong, but a man can only take so much. He turned toward his cot then he stripped his uniform down to his waist. He paused as he felt as if he was being watched. He turned his head, as if looking for something, to glance at Bucky. He smiled at seeing that his feeling was right. 

As Steve pulled his uniform down, Bucky couldn’t help but stare at the strong back muscles. He liked Steve small, but this put on a whole new perspective of Steve. Steve had a strong mind when he was small and, now that he was enhanced, he had the body to fit it. 

Bucky stiffened as Steve turned. He hastily turned himself around, so it looked as if he was something else. He couldn’t let Steve know his true feelings. 

“Hey Bucky?” Steve’s voice was small. He missed Bucky close to him during the winter months in Brooklyn. He had the idea that if they slept close together he may be able to bring Bucky back to being himself.

“Yeah?” Bucky waited patiently as Steve stood with his back to him. 

Steve couldn’t ask. Thoughts raced of how the conversation would end. Questions started to circle his mind. What if Bucky hated their time sleeping together? Was he a burden then? But what if Bucky did want to sleep with him? What would happen if the others found out? They could kick them out of the military and throw them in a prison for it. He couldn’t let that happen to Bucky. He had already been through enough. He sighed as he made his decision. Then a new idea popped up. “Why don’t we take a rest tomorrow?” Steve waited for a response, but when none came he turned to look at Bucky. Bucky stood staring at his cot with his shirt in his hands. Steve eyed his back and he yearned to hold him. He had been worried that Bucky didn’t want any more physical touch after finding him on that table. The hugs moments ago were the first time they were close since he left for shipment. Steve missed him so much. Even if they were small hugs, Steve was glad to be near Bucky. 

Bucky stayed silent and Steve grew worried. “Bucky? You ok?”

Bucky shook himself out of his trance. “Yeah. Sorry. ‘M just tired is all. I’d like that Steve.” 

Steve nodded and slowly walked to Bucky until his chest was close to his back. He moved his hand toward him, but hesitated. He wanted to hold him so bad but didn’t want to frighten Bucky. Instead, he chose to speak his mind. “Did you hate sleeping together back in our apartment?”

Bucky stiffened at the question. Did Steve know? Has he always known? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Naw. I needed your stubborn mug to keep me in line. I wasn’t about to let you croak over the winter chills.” Bucky gasped as Steve pulled him to his chest and held tight. “Steve?”

“I never wanted to be a burden. You are all I have Bucky. Thank you for being here with me. I don’t think I could do this without you.” Steve spoke quietly. He needed Bucky to hear this confession. He loved him so much. 

Bucky wrapped an arm around Steve’s and closed his eyes. Steve was taller than him now and this was a whole new feeling for him. Use to, Bucky would tower over him when they hugged. Now Steve was big enough to wrap his arms around Bucky. No matter how big or small Steve was, he felt like a perfect fit. 

Steve whispered as low as he could so that he wouldn’t frighten Bucky. He was more afraid to ask the question than anything, but more scared at how Bucky would react. “Can we share a cot?”

Bucky turned his head slightly. Steve sounded so unsure of himself. Bucky smiled. “Yeah. I’d like that. I might even sleep better.”

Steve pulled away and Bucky turned so they could look at each other. Steve couldn’t believe what he heard. All his fears flew away now that Bucky accepted. He became giddy and started to walk to his cot. He then stopped as he realized that he hadn’t cleaned up. “Oh shit. Um.”

Bucky chuckled. He always loved seeing Steve nervous, but this was new. He had never seen Steve nervous because of Bucky. “What’s the matter?”

Steve looked at Bucky for a moment then smiled. “Well…I need to let the others know we are settling down tomorrow and…” He sniffed himself then looked back at Bucky. “We need to clean up.”

Bucky couldn’t hold back the laugh that bubbled up in him. Steve had turned from awkward to child like in a matter of seconds. “Go tell the others and I’ll clean up while your out. When you get back you better clean up and rest. My orders.”

Steve smiled and nodded in agreement. He put his uniform back on and ran out of the tent. Bucky stood watching the entryway and couldn’t drop the smile on his face. He hadn’t felt this relaxed in a while. Steve really did care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed that the flashbacks and dreams are not italicizing like I had them so I hope you are following them. If not let me know and I'll just put in dream or flashback. I try to make it obvious.


End file.
